I am ten days into my adventure in self-discovery and there have been some significant changes already. Here are just a few of my observations.
It is a amazing how silent God is when I am not listening.
I am so glad that Anne sent me Jesus Calling. These daily words are speaking straight to my heart. This morning, I woke up at the ridiculous time of 4:15am. I thought about trying to sleep longer, but I really love the early morning times when my heart seems to be more receptive and less busy. After the coffee cup was in hand and I was in my familiar spot, I opened up the devotional to read these words: Rest in the stillness of my Presence while I prepare you for this day. Let the radiance of My Glory shine upon you, as you wait on me in confident trust. This morning, I actually heard these words - in my soul.
For the last six years or so, I have had a spiritual hearing problem. Mostly, because I have been very vocal with God about how He was orchestrating my world. When I wasn't talking, I was sitting behind the walls of my snow fortress, ready to lob another quick and icy judgment call on the Almighty. If there was even the slightest suggestion that all was well in God's plan, I had a rapid-fire volley for that. For example "It might be well in His plan, but his "good" plan doesn't necessarily mean happiness for me." "I prayed and fasted about that matter and God did nothing! My prayers mean nothing, so why petition Him about anything."
I have been so busy hurling accusations that there was no way I was willing to be open. But, sitting in my snow fort of frozen anger kept me far away from the warm, flowering hillsides I had sat on for decades before.
My spot is still there, and I am still welcome.
It has been my habit since my teens to be up before the dawn and quietly reflective with my Bible and journal. I have also had another companion book that is a part of my being - Hinds Feet on High Places. That allegory has powerfully shaped my experience of God's presence. There is a sequel to Hinds Feet called Mountains of Spices. In that book, every morning, the Shepherd sits on the hillsides at dawn beside the little heroine and talks with her about the new day. She asks questions, He reveals his heart - for her and for the people she will be loving in practical ways that day.
This image of myself beside the Shepherd on the hillside at dawn has been my "morning spot" for many years. That is, until I entered the snow fort of disappointment, anger and despair.
For some reason, it seems that a spring thaw has begun. For some reason, I don't feel the need to be prepared with the next icy missile to deflect any perceived kindness by the Shepherd. The need to maintain a defensive posture of protective anger is melting away. This morning, there was actually a way through the patches of snow to go back to his side and sit close and look at the day together. And He has been sitting there the entire time - waiting for the frozen season to do it's work, and for me to decide that icy snowballs of judgment and mounds of frozen anger are not the way to find life on this planet.
Change is possible, and so is a happy heart
Rock #4 seems to be finding it's place in the jar. Rock #3 is defining it's spot. And, while I haven't written about it yet, Rocks #1 and #2 are also nestling into place. There is a shifting taking place. Things are getting more defined. There is movement, and there is hope - things that have been lost to me in that frozen wasteland of anger and pain.
I am ready now to go move among the flowers again, and truly see the people I have the privilege to serve today.
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