I am having a painful date with reality today. I really would rather not talk about it, but the truth is, if I have such ambitious plans for setting a trajectory for the next forty years, I had better figure out how to walk steadily through today.
I have blown it today. Right now, I was scheduled to be at Collier's. Instead, I am at home - typing my blog. Why? Well, because I was really sore and tired Saturday night, and I was really sore and tired last night.
I have this excuse. I had cancer and then radiation treatments and I have had a hard time getting my energy back. I thought it was back, but last night, I was beginning to wonder if I had jumped the gun and gotten in over my head. So, since it was supposed to rain all day today, I emailed Jimmy and asked if he needed me. He said they would be fine and he would see me Saturday. As for the rain, it is now 2PM, I was scheduled to start at 10AM and there is still no rain in sight. AND, I feel fine.
AARRGH!!!!
For those of you who would make excuses for me, don't.
BEING A "FIVE"
There is a wonderful indicator called an Enneagram.* It is a "definitive personality test and self-discovery guide". It reveals your perceptual filter; and, this filter determines what you pay attention to and how you direct your energy. It describes your basic propositions about what you feel you need for life, survival and satisfaction. Basically, everyone falls into one of nine types, and I happen to be a FIVE - "The Observer".
There are some really wonderful qualities about this type. For example, FIVE's are knowledgeable, thoughtful, calm in crisis, good at keeping confidences and they appreciate simplicity. They are good listeners, discerning and wise. They run deep.
That's the good stuff. Then, there is the flip side.
FIVE's are stingy people. They are stingy with time, energy and knowledge. They are loners who want lots of alone time, and they like to minimize dependency, desires and demands upon the self. One source describes them as "under-committed" and "under loyal". (There's more, but you can look it up yourself. You get the picture.)
So, here I am, trying to think about how to make the most of this HUGE amount of time - forty years - and, at this moment, I have a hard time handling a five hour commitment to be around flowers and people that I love! Maybe I do have less energy than when I worked at Collier's six years ago, and maybe the radiation treatments did take some toll on my energy, but there is a more basic issue here that I will have to address if I plan to do more than "get by" for the next four decades.
FRUSTRATION TO FREEDOM
Underneath the philosophy of a FIVE is a fear of adequacy. Do I have the resources for what I think is being required of me? What if I don't have what is needed for the demands of a particular day, a particular job, a particular person or a particular circumstance? It reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places. If you have read this Christian allegory, you will remember the scene in which Much Afraid is shown the Precipice of Injury and is afraid she will never survive the climb. The Shepherd appears and assures her that there will be a way. She doesn't see it right now, but she will when she gets to the hard places. He also tells her that all his saints will be faced with what seems like an insurmountable challenge, and that it is custom-made for them - by Him. It looks like the Precipice of Inadequacy has my name on it. If I am to believe the same Shepherd who spoke to Much Afraid, I must believe that if I choose to make the climb - if I choose to put myself out there, engage deeply in relationships, in life and in work - there will be (dare I say it?) abundant resources available to me. If I have any ambitions of making the next forty years different from the last sixty, I will have to step boldly forward - not listening to the old voice inside that says "Better watch it! They might want something from you!" but, rather "Father, give me a bold confidence that you will equip me with what I need for whatever you call me to do. Let's do lots of stuff!"
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