After my last post, I thought a lot about how to become whoever I am. I remembered that last year I had done The Artist's Way Workbook. It was a wonderful plan for getting connected with your creative side.
EIGHTY YEAR OLD JILL
One of the exercises was called "Time Travel". First, I was to describe myself. Then, I was to write a letter to myself from my 80 year old self. A year ago, this is what I wrote:
"By sixty, I had finally risked dreaming. I was afraid before that. Jim and I have our quiet life, but we have these sweet little houses where people come to rest and grow. I write. I pray. I have three tattoos (can't believe I wrote that!) I paint as much as my hands allow. The house gets cleaned, but I mess it up. I have these wonderful women that I have been walking through life with for years. Jim and I travel to see the kids and finally have an inheritance for them."
And my letter:
Dear Jill,
You were so afraid. The car, the book...living small. You did it! You grew!
Bring Jim Joy. Be ready for changes.They are coming, but they are good. You will be in an different denomination (can't believe I wrote that, either!) and you will laugh a lot. Your life verses will come true. You will not be ashamed. It is going to be all right.
Get more stationery and be ready to write lots of notes. They bless people. Even if illness plagues you, you can still be happy. Love well. Be your name. You'll be fine.
Much love,
Jill
How striking that last year, my year on the couch, I wrote that I would be dreaming by sixty! How encouraging! If that came true, maybe the rest will really follow!
EIGHT YEAR OLD JILL
The second part of the exercise was to describe my eight year old self and also write a letter from her to me right now.
This is the encouragement from my eight year old self, who loved reading, ice cream and riding her bike. She also loved books and going on vacation.
Here is her letter:
Jill,
Sit in the grass more. Look at the clouds. Ride a bike and feel the wind in your hair. Keep moving like this. Don't forget to go to the library and be quiet. Smell the books. Don't watch life as much as I did.
Jill
Interesting... Interesting that it takes almost sixty years to finally dream. What a good thing to finally get there. Even if it is in it's infancy, at least the hint of open spaces and hope; the anticipation that there might be more, not less, ahead in life. Good stuff.
TRY IT!
Why don't you do this exercise? Write to yourself from the future and the past. Describe yourself as you will be and as you were. Have a little fun with it! You never know what might turn up!
Blessings to you today!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Eighty-four Days to Go!
Now that I am two weeks and two days into my journey, I can reflect back and check out what's happening so far with those eight rocks. (In all honesty, to the reader this may be a rather boring post, but I wanted to journal the process. So this is where I pull out the map along the trail and see if I am on the right path. Map reading isn't nearly as interesting as the journey, but is certainly is important!)
Rock #1 - Health
Paleo Diet - I would rate it about 7.5. I haven't been perfect, but I don't think it is impossible at all. I have learned that planning ahead is essential, or I am going to mess up. Exercise - probably about a 6. I love this new book I am reading, Younger Next Year, and I think that my exercise baseline is about to go up. The book focuses a lot on aggressive exercise and I feel like a sun porch just got added to that big empty room. I have a few new dreams and goals that are showing up - so I love that.
Rock #2 - Purpose
I have to say this is still a work in progress. Clarity on this is probably about a 3, but I do know this - I love working with a program at our church called Jobs for Life. It is an eight week program designed to assist folks who are trying to make a new life for themselves. Jim and I have just finished being mentors for the course and we both want to stay engaged in this work.
I know that writing and art will both have a place in this, but I think this Rock will require the most reflection and revelation of any. It will probably be the last place of true clarity.
Rock #3 - Beauty
I would definitely rate that about an 8. Not from the standpoint of having arrived, but between the nursery, hanging out with an artist or two, and having my sensitivity heightened as to its importance in my life, I believe this Rock has clearly found a good place in the jar.
Rock #4 - Spirituality
Great strides. Maybe a 7.5. That is progress for me. Jesus Calling has opened up a new channel of communication with God. I have had to let go of certain things and embrace others. The process is not complete, by any means, but movement is occurring.
Rock #5 - Finances
Good question. Don't quite know how to rate it. Again, goals have to be clear in order to know how one is doing. One thing I do know is that I need to be more disciplined in tracking income and expenditures. I have two sides to the equation here - the right-brained creative side and the left-brained structure side. I need to get my Quicken skills honed! Rating - 5
Rock #6 - Family
Just celebrated Mom's 86th birthday today. We have trips planned to see Ryan and Celeste in Vermont and Katie, Brad and Mivvi and Jack, as well as Dave, in California within the next 8 weeks. Still, I want to find ways to pay closer attention to knowing what is going on in each ones life. Also need to work on how to be a good grandmother to Lindey, my first "in-town" grandchild. I am finding that there are challenges in both long distance and in town grandmothering. They are different, but all important. Rating - maybe a 6.
Rock #7 - Friends
This is an elusive category. I was just reading in one of my many books that isolation is a serious issue as one ages. People tend to have less energy and they disconnect from others This makes people old before their time. Jim and I are both introverts and we can handle a lot of alone time (right now, he is sitting directly across the kitchen table from me working on two computer screens, while I type this blog. We can end up spending a lot of time in these seats across from one another.) Clearly, growth in this area will require serious attention. Both of us realize we need to be more social and we are going to have to come up with some creative ways to get there Rating - probably about a 4 as a couple, and maybe a 6 just by myself. Lots of room for improvement.
Rock #8 - The House
There is a small rumbling underneath my feet on this one. It may just turn out to be a pretty substantial movement in the very near future. I think the first step is to get rid of "stuff" that we have that is not really us. I have beautiful things that I love that are on the back shelves of my cabinets, while the boring stuff is sitting in front of it. There should be some serious trips to Goodwill to clear out a lot of the excess. I think that will be the first step in moving - wherever that may be. Rating - 3, but, to quote one of my favorite artist, "I feel the earth move under my feet..." :-)
HOW AM I DOING?
Well, at least, I have taken the time to sit down on the path, take a look at the map and get my bearings. The next step will be finding the concrete steps to take in each of these areas.
I will say this - Yesterday, I started thinking about what this seventy something "me" was like. I have a vague idea of what she values, how she acts and what matters to her. I decided that maybe I should just start acting like her, even if I don't have the house or the personal growth that she does. That has been kind of fun. I decided to just start thinking about what she would do in various situations - whether it was doing the dishes right after a meal or smiling more. I figure I have nothing to lose by being like her - especially if she is ME! I am sure that sounds somewhat crazy, but maybe there is a little truth to "fake it til you make it." I don't know, but I think this might be a rather amusing adventure. Personally, I rather like what I imagine. Now, I just have to find out if we actually belong to each other.
Probably, over this next week, I will post some entries about my ideas about who she is and what she values. I might even write about 75 year old Jill's last 15 years. Kind of like the movie "THE KID" where Bruce Willis meets his future self and is encouraged to become him. Should be an interesting week...
Rock #1 - Health
Paleo Diet - I would rate it about 7.5. I haven't been perfect, but I don't think it is impossible at all. I have learned that planning ahead is essential, or I am going to mess up. Exercise - probably about a 6. I love this new book I am reading, Younger Next Year, and I think that my exercise baseline is about to go up. The book focuses a lot on aggressive exercise and I feel like a sun porch just got added to that big empty room. I have a few new dreams and goals that are showing up - so I love that.
Rock #2 - Purpose
I have to say this is still a work in progress. Clarity on this is probably about a 3, but I do know this - I love working with a program at our church called Jobs for Life. It is an eight week program designed to assist folks who are trying to make a new life for themselves. Jim and I have just finished being mentors for the course and we both want to stay engaged in this work.
I know that writing and art will both have a place in this, but I think this Rock will require the most reflection and revelation of any. It will probably be the last place of true clarity.
Rock #3 - Beauty
I would definitely rate that about an 8. Not from the standpoint of having arrived, but between the nursery, hanging out with an artist or two, and having my sensitivity heightened as to its importance in my life, I believe this Rock has clearly found a good place in the jar.
Rock #4 - Spirituality
Great strides. Maybe a 7.5. That is progress for me. Jesus Calling has opened up a new channel of communication with God. I have had to let go of certain things and embrace others. The process is not complete, by any means, but movement is occurring.
Rock #5 - Finances
Good question. Don't quite know how to rate it. Again, goals have to be clear in order to know how one is doing. One thing I do know is that I need to be more disciplined in tracking income and expenditures. I have two sides to the equation here - the right-brained creative side and the left-brained structure side. I need to get my Quicken skills honed! Rating - 5
Rock #6 - Family
Just celebrated Mom's 86th birthday today. We have trips planned to see Ryan and Celeste in Vermont and Katie, Brad and Mivvi and Jack, as well as Dave, in California within the next 8 weeks. Still, I want to find ways to pay closer attention to knowing what is going on in each ones life. Also need to work on how to be a good grandmother to Lindey, my first "in-town" grandchild. I am finding that there are challenges in both long distance and in town grandmothering. They are different, but all important. Rating - maybe a 6.
Rock #7 - Friends
This is an elusive category. I was just reading in one of my many books that isolation is a serious issue as one ages. People tend to have less energy and they disconnect from others This makes people old before their time. Jim and I are both introverts and we can handle a lot of alone time (right now, he is sitting directly across the kitchen table from me working on two computer screens, while I type this blog. We can end up spending a lot of time in these seats across from one another.) Clearly, growth in this area will require serious attention. Both of us realize we need to be more social and we are going to have to come up with some creative ways to get there Rating - probably about a 4 as a couple, and maybe a 6 just by myself. Lots of room for improvement.
Rock #8 - The House
There is a small rumbling underneath my feet on this one. It may just turn out to be a pretty substantial movement in the very near future. I think the first step is to get rid of "stuff" that we have that is not really us. I have beautiful things that I love that are on the back shelves of my cabinets, while the boring stuff is sitting in front of it. There should be some serious trips to Goodwill to clear out a lot of the excess. I think that will be the first step in moving - wherever that may be. Rating - 3, but, to quote one of my favorite artist, "I feel the earth move under my feet..." :-)
HOW AM I DOING?
Well, at least, I have taken the time to sit down on the path, take a look at the map and get my bearings. The next step will be finding the concrete steps to take in each of these areas.
I will say this - Yesterday, I started thinking about what this seventy something "me" was like. I have a vague idea of what she values, how she acts and what matters to her. I decided that maybe I should just start acting like her, even if I don't have the house or the personal growth that she does. That has been kind of fun. I decided to just start thinking about what she would do in various situations - whether it was doing the dishes right after a meal or smiling more. I figure I have nothing to lose by being like her - especially if she is ME! I am sure that sounds somewhat crazy, but maybe there is a little truth to "fake it til you make it." I don't know, but I think this might be a rather amusing adventure. Personally, I rather like what I imagine. Now, I just have to find out if we actually belong to each other.
Probably, over this next week, I will post some entries about my ideas about who she is and what she values. I might even write about 75 year old Jill's last 15 years. Kind of like the movie "THE KID" where Bruce Willis meets his future self and is encouraged to become him. Should be an interesting week...
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Scurrying and Impotency
I know that's a weird title, but that is how I experienced yesterday - so I thought I would write about it.
Right now, I am in motion. Since I had this epiphany about 40 years after my sixtieth, I suddenly had a paradigm shift from survival to choice. I suppose the survival mentality was a combination of temperament, circumstances and mindset. Life looked like a monotonous struggle to just get by and hope it didn't last that much longer. When I got a new perspective, it was as if I suddenly had this great big wonderful empty room, with plenty of light, but now it needed to be furnished. Lots of space - not a clear plan. My orientation to my life had changed, so lots of things were going to be shifting around. So, what happens next?
DYNAMICS OF CHANGE
This is how it works... There is a strong desire at the core of the human heart for no surprises. A birthday surprise is okay, but big life surprises which, by definition, interfere with the status quo, are unwelcome. How many times did I see in my years of practice that people would choose known misery over unknown potential joy? Constantly. I remember being asked by a doctor to do an intervention to get a wife out of an abusive situation. When the opportunity came to offer help, she said "It's not that bad. I am fine." (This was despite the bruises, imposed isolation from her family and other clear indications that she and the children should get out.) Change, even change for the better, involves risk and messiness, and disorientation. ALWAYS.
Also, if there is change, there will always be resistance, both internally and externally. Even basic physics tells you that an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and that overcoming inertia takes more energy than maintaining movement. Change takes added energy.
So, in these last two weeks, I have been experiencing change. I have tried a number of new things - new job, new workout, new diet, new books, new people, new ideas and new dreams. All that is great, but it has resulted in some added messiness and disorientation.
THE MESS
While I have perfectionist tendencies, I am also ADD. So, the house, which was not in perfect order anyway, seems to have gotten a bit messier. My new job allows me to collect flowers destined for the dumpster, so I now have a growing accumulation of orphaned plants on my driveway, awaiting their new home in some bed or basket. I have gotten a few (really, Jim, it is not that many) Amazon boxes with wonderful books that are all calling my name. I am on a Paleo diet, which requires new menus and different shopping. I am writing a blog, which I wasn't doing a few weeks ago, and there are all these little tangents that I am going off on, at the moment. There are moments when I feel like an ant who has had it's little pathway messed with and it doesn't quite know where to go next, but it is scurrying around like crazy, trying to get back on track.
In addition to my own busyness, I have been trying to offer help to others in various parts of my life. Yesterday, it seemed like all my gestures of what I perceived to be help, were not received with the delighted responses I had hoped for. When Jim got home last night and I had filled him in on my day, he responded "So, basically, you have been frustrated at every turn."
Yes. Yes, I have. I have not had the world working the way I wanted it to. I haven't had people falling in line the way they should. Life is messy and I am frustrated.
PERSPECTIVE, PATIENCE AND TRUST IN THE PLAN
When I got up at 3:45 this morning (I couldn't sleep because I was "frustrated" (ANGRY) about something), I got the coffee, got Jesus Calling, Bible and journal, and decided to process what was going on.
As I thought about this anger I was feeling and about Jim's summary from yesterday, I realized I had a perspective issue. I HAD felt impotent in my activities. I DID feel disoriented with the changes that are occurring. I WANTED more control and less chaos. I wanted everyone to do what I said. Hmmm.
As I have reconsidered the events of yesterday and of the last few weeks, I am coming to a few observations. First, I am going to be miserable if I insist that the world work the way I want it to. Secondly, I need to remind myself that the process is always "ORIENTATION, DISORIENTATION, and REORIENTATION." I am in process, and the sooner I accept the undulating nature of this pathway, the sooner I will enjoy the journey. And, lastly, I really do have the freedom to trust God with myself, my future and the lives of those around me. I don't have to take His job. (In fact, I used to tell my clients to put an index card on their bathroom mirror that read "I am not God", just so that they could release themselves from that "responsibility.")
A NEW DAY
So, I suppose that, now that the sun is up, I should go put another load in the wash, give a couple of those orphaned plants a new home and get ready to go work a few hours at Colliers. Then, I think we will manage to have a good Paleo dinner and we will probably make it to our dance class tonight. At least, that is the tentative plan. AND, if necessary, I will be posting an index card on my mirror to remind me of my freedom to trust God and the process.
Right now, I am in motion. Since I had this epiphany about 40 years after my sixtieth, I suddenly had a paradigm shift from survival to choice. I suppose the survival mentality was a combination of temperament, circumstances and mindset. Life looked like a monotonous struggle to just get by and hope it didn't last that much longer. When I got a new perspective, it was as if I suddenly had this great big wonderful empty room, with plenty of light, but now it needed to be furnished. Lots of space - not a clear plan. My orientation to my life had changed, so lots of things were going to be shifting around. So, what happens next?
DYNAMICS OF CHANGE
This is how it works... There is a strong desire at the core of the human heart for no surprises. A birthday surprise is okay, but big life surprises which, by definition, interfere with the status quo, are unwelcome. How many times did I see in my years of practice that people would choose known misery over unknown potential joy? Constantly. I remember being asked by a doctor to do an intervention to get a wife out of an abusive situation. When the opportunity came to offer help, she said "It's not that bad. I am fine." (This was despite the bruises, imposed isolation from her family and other clear indications that she and the children should get out.) Change, even change for the better, involves risk and messiness, and disorientation. ALWAYS.
Also, if there is change, there will always be resistance, both internally and externally. Even basic physics tells you that an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and that overcoming inertia takes more energy than maintaining movement. Change takes added energy.
So, in these last two weeks, I have been experiencing change. I have tried a number of new things - new job, new workout, new diet, new books, new people, new ideas and new dreams. All that is great, but it has resulted in some added messiness and disorientation.
THE MESS
While I have perfectionist tendencies, I am also ADD. So, the house, which was not in perfect order anyway, seems to have gotten a bit messier. My new job allows me to collect flowers destined for the dumpster, so I now have a growing accumulation of orphaned plants on my driveway, awaiting their new home in some bed or basket. I have gotten a few (really, Jim, it is not that many) Amazon boxes with wonderful books that are all calling my name. I am on a Paleo diet, which requires new menus and different shopping. I am writing a blog, which I wasn't doing a few weeks ago, and there are all these little tangents that I am going off on, at the moment. There are moments when I feel like an ant who has had it's little pathway messed with and it doesn't quite know where to go next, but it is scurrying around like crazy, trying to get back on track.
In addition to my own busyness, I have been trying to offer help to others in various parts of my life. Yesterday, it seemed like all my gestures of what I perceived to be help, were not received with the delighted responses I had hoped for. When Jim got home last night and I had filled him in on my day, he responded "So, basically, you have been frustrated at every turn."
Yes. Yes, I have. I have not had the world working the way I wanted it to. I haven't had people falling in line the way they should. Life is messy and I am frustrated.
PERSPECTIVE, PATIENCE AND TRUST IN THE PLAN
When I got up at 3:45 this morning (I couldn't sleep because I was "frustrated" (ANGRY) about something), I got the coffee, got Jesus Calling, Bible and journal, and decided to process what was going on.
As I thought about this anger I was feeling and about Jim's summary from yesterday, I realized I had a perspective issue. I HAD felt impotent in my activities. I DID feel disoriented with the changes that are occurring. I WANTED more control and less chaos. I wanted everyone to do what I said. Hmmm.
As I have reconsidered the events of yesterday and of the last few weeks, I am coming to a few observations. First, I am going to be miserable if I insist that the world work the way I want it to. Secondly, I need to remind myself that the process is always "ORIENTATION, DISORIENTATION, and REORIENTATION." I am in process, and the sooner I accept the undulating nature of this pathway, the sooner I will enjoy the journey. And, lastly, I really do have the freedom to trust God with myself, my future and the lives of those around me. I don't have to take His job. (In fact, I used to tell my clients to put an index card on their bathroom mirror that read "I am not God", just so that they could release themselves from that "responsibility.")
A NEW DAY
So, I suppose that, now that the sun is up, I should go put another load in the wash, give a couple of those orphaned plants a new home and get ready to go work a few hours at Colliers. Then, I think we will manage to have a good Paleo dinner and we will probably make it to our dance class tonight. At least, that is the tentative plan. AND, if necessary, I will be posting an index card on my mirror to remind me of my freedom to trust God and the process.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Going Back to a Quieter Heart
I am ten days into my adventure in self-discovery and there have been some significant changes already. Here are just a few of my observations.
It is a amazing how silent God is when I am not listening.
I am so glad that Anne sent me Jesus Calling. These daily words are speaking straight to my heart. This morning, I woke up at the ridiculous time of 4:15am. I thought about trying to sleep longer, but I really love the early morning times when my heart seems to be more receptive and less busy. After the coffee cup was in hand and I was in my familiar spot, I opened up the devotional to read these words: Rest in the stillness of my Presence while I prepare you for this day. Let the radiance of My Glory shine upon you, as you wait on me in confident trust. This morning, I actually heard these words - in my soul.
For the last six years or so, I have had a spiritual hearing problem. Mostly, because I have been very vocal with God about how He was orchestrating my world. When I wasn't talking, I was sitting behind the walls of my snow fortress, ready to lob another quick and icy judgment call on the Almighty. If there was even the slightest suggestion that all was well in God's plan, I had a rapid-fire volley for that. For example "It might be well in His plan, but his "good" plan doesn't necessarily mean happiness for me." "I prayed and fasted about that matter and God did nothing! My prayers mean nothing, so why petition Him about anything."
I have been so busy hurling accusations that there was no way I was willing to be open. But, sitting in my snow fort of frozen anger kept me far away from the warm, flowering hillsides I had sat on for decades before.
My spot is still there, and I am still welcome.
It has been my habit since my teens to be up before the dawn and quietly reflective with my Bible and journal. I have also had another companion book that is a part of my being - Hinds Feet on High Places. That allegory has powerfully shaped my experience of God's presence. There is a sequel to Hinds Feet called Mountains of Spices. In that book, every morning, the Shepherd sits on the hillsides at dawn beside the little heroine and talks with her about the new day. She asks questions, He reveals his heart - for her and for the people she will be loving in practical ways that day.
This image of myself beside the Shepherd on the hillside at dawn has been my "morning spot" for many years. That is, until I entered the snow fort of disappointment, anger and despair.
For some reason, it seems that a spring thaw has begun. For some reason, I don't feel the need to be prepared with the next icy missile to deflect any perceived kindness by the Shepherd. The need to maintain a defensive posture of protective anger is melting away. This morning, there was actually a way through the patches of snow to go back to his side and sit close and look at the day together. And He has been sitting there the entire time - waiting for the frozen season to do it's work, and for me to decide that icy snowballs of judgment and mounds of frozen anger are not the way to find life on this planet.
Change is possible, and so is a happy heart
Rock #4 seems to be finding it's place in the jar. Rock #3 is defining it's spot. And, while I haven't written about it yet, Rocks #1 and #2 are also nestling into place. There is a shifting taking place. Things are getting more defined. There is movement, and there is hope - things that have been lost to me in that frozen wasteland of anger and pain.
I am ready now to go move among the flowers again, and truly see the people I have the privilege to serve today.
It is a amazing how silent God is when I am not listening.
I am so glad that Anne sent me Jesus Calling. These daily words are speaking straight to my heart. This morning, I woke up at the ridiculous time of 4:15am. I thought about trying to sleep longer, but I really love the early morning times when my heart seems to be more receptive and less busy. After the coffee cup was in hand and I was in my familiar spot, I opened up the devotional to read these words: Rest in the stillness of my Presence while I prepare you for this day. Let the radiance of My Glory shine upon you, as you wait on me in confident trust. This morning, I actually heard these words - in my soul.
For the last six years or so, I have had a spiritual hearing problem. Mostly, because I have been very vocal with God about how He was orchestrating my world. When I wasn't talking, I was sitting behind the walls of my snow fortress, ready to lob another quick and icy judgment call on the Almighty. If there was even the slightest suggestion that all was well in God's plan, I had a rapid-fire volley for that. For example "It might be well in His plan, but his "good" plan doesn't necessarily mean happiness for me." "I prayed and fasted about that matter and God did nothing! My prayers mean nothing, so why petition Him about anything."
I have been so busy hurling accusations that there was no way I was willing to be open. But, sitting in my snow fort of frozen anger kept me far away from the warm, flowering hillsides I had sat on for decades before.
My spot is still there, and I am still welcome.
It has been my habit since my teens to be up before the dawn and quietly reflective with my Bible and journal. I have also had another companion book that is a part of my being - Hinds Feet on High Places. That allegory has powerfully shaped my experience of God's presence. There is a sequel to Hinds Feet called Mountains of Spices. In that book, every morning, the Shepherd sits on the hillsides at dawn beside the little heroine and talks with her about the new day. She asks questions, He reveals his heart - for her and for the people she will be loving in practical ways that day.
This image of myself beside the Shepherd on the hillside at dawn has been my "morning spot" for many years. That is, until I entered the snow fort of disappointment, anger and despair.
For some reason, it seems that a spring thaw has begun. For some reason, I don't feel the need to be prepared with the next icy missile to deflect any perceived kindness by the Shepherd. The need to maintain a defensive posture of protective anger is melting away. This morning, there was actually a way through the patches of snow to go back to his side and sit close and look at the day together. And He has been sitting there the entire time - waiting for the frozen season to do it's work, and for me to decide that icy snowballs of judgment and mounds of frozen anger are not the way to find life on this planet.
Change is possible, and so is a happy heart
Rock #4 seems to be finding it's place in the jar. Rock #3 is defining it's spot. And, while I haven't written about it yet, Rocks #1 and #2 are also nestling into place. There is a shifting taking place. Things are getting more defined. There is movement, and there is hope - things that have been lost to me in that frozen wasteland of anger and pain.
I am ready now to go move among the flowers again, and truly see the people I have the privilege to serve today.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Beauty and the Soul
I got back from Collier's Nursery last night at 6:30 - an hour after closing. I was basically on my feet for over 8 hours (with about a 10 minute lunch break because we were so busy), when I pulled away from the nursery. Yesterday, I even took two pairs of shoes - my good hiking boots and my high-end running shoes so that I could make it through the day. By about 2PM, my feet were hurting, and even the shoe switch didn't really help. When I got home, I was hobbling and tired. We were hoping to go to dance lessons at 7:30, but there was no way these feet were going to do that!
I only mention the pain because it is so juxtaposed to my overall response to the day. For the last 24 hours, when my thoughts wander, they constantly float back to the beauty of yesterday. I cannot describe the impact those flowers have on my soul. When I see people loading up their little green wagons with very personalized selections of Verbena, Lantana, Vinca and Sweet Potato Vine, I gaze in wonder at their garden-in-the-making. It is awe-inspiring to see the variety of combinations that capture someone's heart.
Besides the unique combinations that each visitor creates, there are mixed pots that are filled with wonderful combinations of plants and color. There was one potted arrangement, which I found particularly delightful. It was a brilliant combination of red, trailing Petunias, purple and white Verbena and coral Million Bells, Ivy Geraniums and Purple Fountain Grass. Brilliant, bold and happy!
I also love the customers. Every one has different needs, different preferences, different styles of shopping. I was able to help a Demopolis woman select a Savannah Holly for her large container, and assisted a young husband in deciding how many yellow Knock Out Roses he would need along his walk. Another woman needed help picking out deer and rodent-resistant flowers to replace Peter Rabbit's delicious dinner the night before.
My favorite part is to watch the customer's faces as they get out of their cars and walk into the beauty. A wonderful expression comes over their faces. They start to gaze at the flowers and smell the fragrances and they can't seem to get enough. One father spent two hours there, wandering through with his 8-year old daughter, and picking out perennial plants for their garden. A homeschooling mom brought her children in to select the banana peppers and watermelon plants for the family organic garden. A trio of 70-something women came in looking for the bedding plants to place in the beds in front of their townhomes. I love to be with the people who, like me, don't want to leave.
When I am at the nursery around all that beauty, I am both filled, and full of longing. I experience joy, but also longing. It reminds me so much of a particular passage I love in C.S Lewis' The Weight of Glory.
... We want something else which can hardly be put into words - to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bath in it, to become part of it. That is why we have goddesses and nymphs and elves - that, though we cannot, yet these projections can enjoy in themselves the beauty, grace and power of which Nature is the image...We cannot mingle with the splendours we see. But all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumour that it will not always be so. Some day, God willing, we shall get in!
I know what he is talking about in my soul. I need, at a very essential level, to be around nature, among the trees, hearing the the owls calling one another at dusk, listening to the pack of coyotes yipping with their eerie howls, needing to eat dinner on the screened porch after a long day at the nursery - even if it is 65 degrees. (And, on a more eccentric note, this probably explains why I have a special affinity for flower fairies!)
DOING THE ESSENTIAL THINGS
Another interesting side of being at Colliers is that I see many friends I haven't seen for years. I always know when I saw them last by the questions they ask me. "Are you still at Samford?" "Are you still doing counseling?" "Are you still teaching your workshop?" ("No", "No" and "No") We end up chatting about whatever season I was in when we last talked, and I imagine they wonder what I am doing at Collier's - moving flats of flowers, dead-heading the Gerbera Daisies and restocking the herbs. Sometimes, if I am too self-conscious, I wonder, too. But, then, I think about that potted arrangement of red, purple and coral. I think about how my soul feels around all that beauty. I think about the unique way I am able to come alongside people as we share that beauty together, and as I am allowed to help them take some of that shared beauty both into their souls and into their homes. I think about the deep satisfaction I get from being around the infinite variety of God's creation and his creatures, and I know exactly why I asked Jimmy if I could work for a few weeks.
So, as I hit Day 90 in my countdown to 60, I have discovered one irrefutable truth about me -
I need to be among the flowers (and my feet are just going to have to adjust!)
I only mention the pain because it is so juxtaposed to my overall response to the day. For the last 24 hours, when my thoughts wander, they constantly float back to the beauty of yesterday. I cannot describe the impact those flowers have on my soul. When I see people loading up their little green wagons with very personalized selections of Verbena, Lantana, Vinca and Sweet Potato Vine, I gaze in wonder at their garden-in-the-making. It is awe-inspiring to see the variety of combinations that capture someone's heart.
Besides the unique combinations that each visitor creates, there are mixed pots that are filled with wonderful combinations of plants and color. There was one potted arrangement, which I found particularly delightful. It was a brilliant combination of red, trailing Petunias, purple and white Verbena and coral Million Bells, Ivy Geraniums and Purple Fountain Grass. Brilliant, bold and happy!
I also love the customers. Every one has different needs, different preferences, different styles of shopping. I was able to help a Demopolis woman select a Savannah Holly for her large container, and assisted a young husband in deciding how many yellow Knock Out Roses he would need along his walk. Another woman needed help picking out deer and rodent-resistant flowers to replace Peter Rabbit's delicious dinner the night before.
My favorite part is to watch the customer's faces as they get out of their cars and walk into the beauty. A wonderful expression comes over their faces. They start to gaze at the flowers and smell the fragrances and they can't seem to get enough. One father spent two hours there, wandering through with his 8-year old daughter, and picking out perennial plants for their garden. A homeschooling mom brought her children in to select the banana peppers and watermelon plants for the family organic garden. A trio of 70-something women came in looking for the bedding plants to place in the beds in front of their townhomes. I love to be with the people who, like me, don't want to leave.
When I am at the nursery around all that beauty, I am both filled, and full of longing. I experience joy, but also longing. It reminds me so much of a particular passage I love in C.S Lewis' The Weight of Glory.
... We want something else which can hardly be put into words - to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bath in it, to become part of it. That is why we have goddesses and nymphs and elves - that, though we cannot, yet these projections can enjoy in themselves the beauty, grace and power of which Nature is the image...We cannot mingle with the splendours we see. But all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumour that it will not always be so. Some day, God willing, we shall get in!
I know what he is talking about in my soul. I need, at a very essential level, to be around nature, among the trees, hearing the the owls calling one another at dusk, listening to the pack of coyotes yipping with their eerie howls, needing to eat dinner on the screened porch after a long day at the nursery - even if it is 65 degrees. (And, on a more eccentric note, this probably explains why I have a special affinity for flower fairies!)
DOING THE ESSENTIAL THINGS
Another interesting side of being at Colliers is that I see many friends I haven't seen for years. I always know when I saw them last by the questions they ask me. "Are you still at Samford?" "Are you still doing counseling?" "Are you still teaching your workshop?" ("No", "No" and "No") We end up chatting about whatever season I was in when we last talked, and I imagine they wonder what I am doing at Collier's - moving flats of flowers, dead-heading the Gerbera Daisies and restocking the herbs. Sometimes, if I am too self-conscious, I wonder, too. But, then, I think about that potted arrangement of red, purple and coral. I think about how my soul feels around all that beauty. I think about the unique way I am able to come alongside people as we share that beauty together, and as I am allowed to help them take some of that shared beauty both into their souls and into their homes. I think about the deep satisfaction I get from being around the infinite variety of God's creation and his creatures, and I know exactly why I asked Jimmy if I could work for a few weeks.
So, as I hit Day 90 in my countdown to 60, I have discovered one irrefutable truth about me -
I need to be among the flowers (and my feet are just going to have to adjust!)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Big Rocks
I am sure you have heard the story about the importance of getting the big rock into the jar first. If I were to choose what I consider the big rocks for me to look at between now and my 60th, in particular, I would say they look like this:
I am sure some would very methodically spend "X" amount of time on Rock One and then systematically move on to Rock Two. I'd say there is a pretty good chance that I am not going to do that. Already, several of them have revealed themselves within this first week. I think it will be somewhat the way the Psalms are organized - a lot like life. The Psalms have some overarching structure, but the theme and emotions of the psalmists vary from one chapter to the next.
Eight Rocks and 40 years... I wonder how it will all fit together.
- Rock One - Health. To the best of my ability, I need to be thinking how to take care of this body so it lasts another 40 years. That would include nutrition, exercise, environment and stress management.
- Rock Two - Purpose. While it would be entirely possible to see-saw back and forth between merely surviving and wasting time, I think it would be prudent to figure out what I ought to be doing until I am 100. What are the unfinished tasks? What are the gifts yet to give? What can this particular person do to make a mark in the present, the future and eternity?
- Rock Three - Beauty. This is a hard-wired part of me. If God had put me in the garden first, he would have told me my work was to bring beauty to the Garden. Right now, I think there are a lot of weeds to be pulled and pruning to be done. Maybe some whole new areas of the garden need to be opened up.
- Rock Four - Spirituality. I suppose some might put that first, but I have found that the first three are tied to this one. It is amazing how bad health can make you think you have all kinds of spiritual issues that you really don't. Anyway, it's still one of the big rocks.
- Rock Five - Finances. A practical piece that does matter. I would say, a part of this rock involves work I actually do to make money. This is one of the biggest tensions in my life.
- Rock Six - Family. I love my family. I want to figure out ways to be around all of them more - especially our children and their children.
- Rock Seven - Friends. How do I cultivate and care for the friendships I have? What can I do to reach out and connect more with the friends I love?
- Rock Eight - The House. There are very few material possessions that I want, I think. There is one thing, however, that calls to me daily. That place where we live out the best part of our lives. The house on water where I can see the sunsets every night. The house with the big kitchen, the organic garden and the comfortable chairs. The one that has the little guest house just down the road, where family and friends can come to stay from time to time.
I am sure some would very methodically spend "X" amount of time on Rock One and then systematically move on to Rock Two. I'd say there is a pretty good chance that I am not going to do that. Already, several of them have revealed themselves within this first week. I think it will be somewhat the way the Psalms are organized - a lot like life. The Psalms have some overarching structure, but the theme and emotions of the psalmists vary from one chapter to the next.
Eight Rocks and 40 years... I wonder how it will all fit together.
Busting it!
Well, I may have doubted my stamina being on my feet for seven and a half hours on Saturday, but I totally busted it today! I work out at Cahaba Fitness and they have a "30 Day Challenge" going on. It started on Monday. Because I am taking on some new challenges anyway, I decided to do the 30 days of Paleo eating. In addition, we did a lot of baseline strength and endurance testing today. Adrienne Moore is my trainer, and she took me through all the tests for an hour. I was totally spent at the end of it, but it was a good kind of tired. The best part was, I surpassed almost everyone else she had tested already this week! That made me really happy! She has clients of all ages and this 59 year old set some new standards!
Of course, this is all very exciting considering that I was on the sofa last year at this time. I told Adrienne that a large part of my energy for workouts I attribute to this supplement I have called Overdrive. It is still me, but that stuff contains a bunch of vitamins that sustains a person through a workout. So, between the Overdrive and a competitive nature - at least when it comes to physical challenges, I had a great time today. We will be tested again in six weeks. I hope that I am stronger by then. I should end up being tested at least two times before my birthday, so that is a nice structure to have for my physical goals during this 100 days.
I am not as sure I will do the Paleo for 100 days, but I will at least do it for 30. So far, I have been on the diet for four days and have lost 4.6 pounds. That always sounds good, but I am interested in the long term trends. Honestly, I didn't want this 100 days to be about weight loss, but I am interested in healthy eating, so I believe this is a good protocol to be on.
Of course, this is all very exciting considering that I was on the sofa last year at this time. I told Adrienne that a large part of my energy for workouts I attribute to this supplement I have called Overdrive. It is still me, but that stuff contains a bunch of vitamins that sustains a person through a workout. So, between the Overdrive and a competitive nature - at least when it comes to physical challenges, I had a great time today. We will be tested again in six weeks. I hope that I am stronger by then. I should end up being tested at least two times before my birthday, so that is a nice structure to have for my physical goals during this 100 days.
I am not as sure I will do the Paleo for 100 days, but I will at least do it for 30. So far, I have been on the diet for four days and have lost 4.6 pounds. That always sounds good, but I am interested in the long term trends. Honestly, I didn't want this 100 days to be about weight loss, but I am interested in healthy eating, so I believe this is a good protocol to be on.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Eating the Mystery
"Here's yesterday's mail and the paper. And you got another book." Jim had just taken the trash up to the street and collected what had been left in the mailbox overnight. He put the mail down on the sofa before he left for work. I felt a twinge of guilt as I picked up the Amazon box. I have been buying a lot of books lately. Used, but still a lot of books. As I opened the package, I thought "It's a good thing he didn't see that it was two books."
I have felt the need to hear from others as I am moving out on this personal journey of mine. I need teachers, ones who have given more thought to this matter of growth than I have lately. The books in the box are new additions to my growth library.
The first book in my new library actually came earlier - on the very first day of my 100 day journey. It was a very unexpected gift from an old/new friend of mine, Anne Thompson. Anne and I had worked together years ago when I was in private practice. Anne lives in Memphis, and, even though I never met her face to face, we talked often about different client needs, and she had been an invaluable resource. I enjoyed interacting with her so much that I had actually carried her business card around with me for 17 years. This past January, I pulled that card from my wallet and called her to say hello. We hit it off immediately again, and our friendship has grown tremendously this year. For some reason, Anne sent me a gift - the book, Jesus Calling. I had never heard of it. Within the last week, that book has impacted me profoundly and I know I will refer to it often as I move through these 100 days. But, back to today...
The book I pulled out first and started reading immediately was one thousand gifts. A friend of mine, who knows me well, had recommended it - mostly because I have been dealing with a lot of unresolved anger over the last several years. As I opened it and began to read the first chapter, a phrase I have heard often in the last few years came to mind "When the student is ready, the master appears." Suddenly, as I think about Jesus Calling and this book, I sense that maybe this student is ready, because the Master seems to have appeared.
Ann Voskamp shares some very tragic stories in the first chapter. "One life-loss can infect the whole of life." If one loss can do that, what if there are many? What if I am not in agreement with the way God decides to do things? If one life-loss can infect a life, what happens when you are carrying around a gut-full of infection? I am tracking with this woman.
HOW CAN YOU JUDGE?
Earlier this morning, Jim and I had been talking about one of the readings in Jesus Calling. We were talking about how we truly know anything. He remembered a story from Max Lucado about a farmer who refused to judge the events of his life, while all of the villagers were quick to tell him if some circumstance was a curse or a blessing. He kept trying to tell them not to judge good or bad by a single event. "Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don't."
Ann Voskamp, in her first chapter, opens the door for exploring this whole issue of judging the moment - especially the negative judgements that we are all prone to since the beginning of history. As Ann describes having her paradigm of distrust challenged, she eludes to the story of the Israelites in the wilderness. "For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna - a substance whose name literally means 'What is it?' More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from what they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable. They eat the mystery."
For a long time, I have been blocked from looking ahead because I am too busy judging the past. I have chosen to believe my assessment of events is accurate. I have carried around this gutful of poison for quite a while. Maybe I need to detox by eating the mystery, even if I don't know exactly what it is.
I believe this student might be ready to stop knowing it all and to start listening and learning some new things. While I am still skeptical, I believe the Master has arrived - both personally, and with a host of his servants via Amazon.
I have felt the need to hear from others as I am moving out on this personal journey of mine. I need teachers, ones who have given more thought to this matter of growth than I have lately. The books in the box are new additions to my growth library.
The first book in my new library actually came earlier - on the very first day of my 100 day journey. It was a very unexpected gift from an old/new friend of mine, Anne Thompson. Anne and I had worked together years ago when I was in private practice. Anne lives in Memphis, and, even though I never met her face to face, we talked often about different client needs, and she had been an invaluable resource. I enjoyed interacting with her so much that I had actually carried her business card around with me for 17 years. This past January, I pulled that card from my wallet and called her to say hello. We hit it off immediately again, and our friendship has grown tremendously this year. For some reason, Anne sent me a gift - the book, Jesus Calling. I had never heard of it. Within the last week, that book has impacted me profoundly and I know I will refer to it often as I move through these 100 days. But, back to today...
The book I pulled out first and started reading immediately was one thousand gifts. A friend of mine, who knows me well, had recommended it - mostly because I have been dealing with a lot of unresolved anger over the last several years. As I opened it and began to read the first chapter, a phrase I have heard often in the last few years came to mind "When the student is ready, the master appears." Suddenly, as I think about Jesus Calling and this book, I sense that maybe this student is ready, because the Master seems to have appeared.
Ann Voskamp shares some very tragic stories in the first chapter. "One life-loss can infect the whole of life." If one loss can do that, what if there are many? What if I am not in agreement with the way God decides to do things? If one life-loss can infect a life, what happens when you are carrying around a gut-full of infection? I am tracking with this woman.
HOW CAN YOU JUDGE?
Earlier this morning, Jim and I had been talking about one of the readings in Jesus Calling. We were talking about how we truly know anything. He remembered a story from Max Lucado about a farmer who refused to judge the events of his life, while all of the villagers were quick to tell him if some circumstance was a curse or a blessing. He kept trying to tell them not to judge good or bad by a single event. "Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don't."
Ann Voskamp, in her first chapter, opens the door for exploring this whole issue of judging the moment - especially the negative judgements that we are all prone to since the beginning of history. As Ann describes having her paradigm of distrust challenged, she eludes to the story of the Israelites in the wilderness. "For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna - a substance whose name literally means 'What is it?' More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from what they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable. They eat the mystery."
For a long time, I have been blocked from looking ahead because I am too busy judging the past. I have chosen to believe my assessment of events is accurate. I have carried around this gutful of poison for quite a while. Maybe I need to detox by eating the mystery, even if I don't know exactly what it is.
I believe this student might be ready to stop knowing it all and to start listening and learning some new things. While I am still skeptical, I believe the Master has arrived - both personally, and with a host of his servants via Amazon.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Facing my Weaknesses
I am having a painful date with reality today. I really would rather not talk about it, but the truth is, if I have such ambitious plans for setting a trajectory for the next forty years, I had better figure out how to walk steadily through today.
I have blown it today. Right now, I was scheduled to be at Collier's. Instead, I am at home - typing my blog. Why? Well, because I was really sore and tired Saturday night, and I was really sore and tired last night.
I have this excuse. I had cancer and then radiation treatments and I have had a hard time getting my energy back. I thought it was back, but last night, I was beginning to wonder if I had jumped the gun and gotten in over my head. So, since it was supposed to rain all day today, I emailed Jimmy and asked if he needed me. He said they would be fine and he would see me Saturday. As for the rain, it is now 2PM, I was scheduled to start at 10AM and there is still no rain in sight. AND, I feel fine.
AARRGH!!!!
For those of you who would make excuses for me, don't.
BEING A "FIVE"
There is a wonderful indicator called an Enneagram.* It is a "definitive personality test and self-discovery guide". It reveals your perceptual filter; and, this filter determines what you pay attention to and how you direct your energy. It describes your basic propositions about what you feel you need for life, survival and satisfaction. Basically, everyone falls into one of nine types, and I happen to be a FIVE - "The Observer".
There are some really wonderful qualities about this type. For example, FIVE's are knowledgeable, thoughtful, calm in crisis, good at keeping confidences and they appreciate simplicity. They are good listeners, discerning and wise. They run deep.
That's the good stuff. Then, there is the flip side.
FIVE's are stingy people. They are stingy with time, energy and knowledge. They are loners who want lots of alone time, and they like to minimize dependency, desires and demands upon the self. One source describes them as "under-committed" and "under loyal". (There's more, but you can look it up yourself. You get the picture.)
So, here I am, trying to think about how to make the most of this HUGE amount of time - forty years - and, at this moment, I have a hard time handling a five hour commitment to be around flowers and people that I love! Maybe I do have less energy than when I worked at Collier's six years ago, and maybe the radiation treatments did take some toll on my energy, but there is a more basic issue here that I will have to address if I plan to do more than "get by" for the next four decades.
FRUSTRATION TO FREEDOM
Underneath the philosophy of a FIVE is a fear of adequacy. Do I have the resources for what I think is being required of me? What if I don't have what is needed for the demands of a particular day, a particular job, a particular person or a particular circumstance? It reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places. If you have read this Christian allegory, you will remember the scene in which Much Afraid is shown the Precipice of Injury and is afraid she will never survive the climb. The Shepherd appears and assures her that there will be a way. She doesn't see it right now, but she will when she gets to the hard places. He also tells her that all his saints will be faced with what seems like an insurmountable challenge, and that it is custom-made for them - by Him. It looks like the Precipice of Inadequacy has my name on it. If I am to believe the same Shepherd who spoke to Much Afraid, I must believe that if I choose to make the climb - if I choose to put myself out there, engage deeply in relationships, in life and in work - there will be (dare I say it?) abundant resources available to me. If I have any ambitions of making the next forty years different from the last sixty, I will have to step boldly forward - not listening to the old voice inside that says "Better watch it! They might want something from you!" but, rather "Father, give me a bold confidence that you will equip me with what I need for whatever you call me to do. Let's do lots of stuff!"
I have blown it today. Right now, I was scheduled to be at Collier's. Instead, I am at home - typing my blog. Why? Well, because I was really sore and tired Saturday night, and I was really sore and tired last night.
I have this excuse. I had cancer and then radiation treatments and I have had a hard time getting my energy back. I thought it was back, but last night, I was beginning to wonder if I had jumped the gun and gotten in over my head. So, since it was supposed to rain all day today, I emailed Jimmy and asked if he needed me. He said they would be fine and he would see me Saturday. As for the rain, it is now 2PM, I was scheduled to start at 10AM and there is still no rain in sight. AND, I feel fine.
AARRGH!!!!
For those of you who would make excuses for me, don't.
BEING A "FIVE"
There is a wonderful indicator called an Enneagram.* It is a "definitive personality test and self-discovery guide". It reveals your perceptual filter; and, this filter determines what you pay attention to and how you direct your energy. It describes your basic propositions about what you feel you need for life, survival and satisfaction. Basically, everyone falls into one of nine types, and I happen to be a FIVE - "The Observer".
There are some really wonderful qualities about this type. For example, FIVE's are knowledgeable, thoughtful, calm in crisis, good at keeping confidences and they appreciate simplicity. They are good listeners, discerning and wise. They run deep.
That's the good stuff. Then, there is the flip side.
FIVE's are stingy people. They are stingy with time, energy and knowledge. They are loners who want lots of alone time, and they like to minimize dependency, desires and demands upon the self. One source describes them as "under-committed" and "under loyal". (There's more, but you can look it up yourself. You get the picture.)
So, here I am, trying to think about how to make the most of this HUGE amount of time - forty years - and, at this moment, I have a hard time handling a five hour commitment to be around flowers and people that I love! Maybe I do have less energy than when I worked at Collier's six years ago, and maybe the radiation treatments did take some toll on my energy, but there is a more basic issue here that I will have to address if I plan to do more than "get by" for the next four decades.
FRUSTRATION TO FREEDOM
Underneath the philosophy of a FIVE is a fear of adequacy. Do I have the resources for what I think is being required of me? What if I don't have what is needed for the demands of a particular day, a particular job, a particular person or a particular circumstance? It reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places. If you have read this Christian allegory, you will remember the scene in which Much Afraid is shown the Precipice of Injury and is afraid she will never survive the climb. The Shepherd appears and assures her that there will be a way. She doesn't see it right now, but she will when she gets to the hard places. He also tells her that all his saints will be faced with what seems like an insurmountable challenge, and that it is custom-made for them - by Him. It looks like the Precipice of Inadequacy has my name on it. If I am to believe the same Shepherd who spoke to Much Afraid, I must believe that if I choose to make the climb - if I choose to put myself out there, engage deeply in relationships, in life and in work - there will be (dare I say it?) abundant resources available to me. If I have any ambitions of making the next forty years different from the last sixty, I will have to step boldly forward - not listening to the old voice inside that says "Better watch it! They might want something from you!" but, rather "Father, give me a bold confidence that you will equip me with what I need for whatever you call me to do. Let's do lots of stuff!"
Sunday, April 15, 2012
One of the purposes in writing this blog was to challenge my own status quo. That is, my tendency to let the days slip by without really doing anything of significance - wasting them with trivia, half-done tasks, and laziness.
In my late fifties, it seems like the aging process began in earnest. I lost the car more frequently in parking lots. I would make promises I meant to keep, but promptly forgot within seconds. I cook less, sit down more and am more distracted than I used to be.
Along with the natural aging process, I think our culture is far more fragmenting than it used to be. Things like Facebook, Bejeweled, Words with Friends, text messages and emails have lowered our ability to be in one place and focused on one thing for any extended period of time. Our brains expect things to change every few seconds.
So much has been written on this, and I think we all know that living our lives with so little (as I wrote that word, the house phone rang, Jim answered, and I took that brief interruption to pick up my phone and play some more on a Bejeweled game I had been doing...where was I? Oh, yes...short attention span.)
This is exactly what I mean. I doubt I am the only person who (hot flash. Concentration lost again while the internal furnace explodes my body with heat and sweat.) What was I saying?
Can anyone relate to this? If this pattern of piecemeal attention is going to be the norm from this point on in my life, how can I expect to accomplish anything of significance? Unless I make some earnest effort to create extended periods of uninterrupted time for thinking, praying, writing and reading, I don't believe I will be all that I can be. Or,, that I will give all that I can give.
I think that, even
In my late fifties, it seems like the aging process began in earnest. I lost the car more frequently in parking lots. I would make promises I meant to keep, but promptly forgot within seconds. I cook less, sit down more and am more distracted than I used to be.
Along with the natural aging process, I think our culture is far more fragmenting than it used to be. Things like Facebook, Bejeweled, Words with Friends, text messages and emails have lowered our ability to be in one place and focused on one thing for any extended period of time. Our brains expect things to change every few seconds.
So much has been written on this, and I think we all know that living our lives with so little (as I wrote that word, the house phone rang, Jim answered, and I took that brief interruption to pick up my phone and play some more on a Bejeweled game I had been doing...where was I? Oh, yes...short attention span.)
This is exactly what I mean. I doubt I am the only person who (hot flash. Concentration lost again while the internal furnace explodes my body with heat and sweat.) What was I saying?
Can anyone relate to this? If this pattern of piecemeal attention is going to be the norm from this point on in my life, how can I expect to accomplish anything of significance? Unless I make some earnest effort to create extended periods of uninterrupted time for thinking, praying, writing and reading, I don't believe I will be all that I can be. Or,, that I will give all that I can give.
I think that, even
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Getting the Color Back Into Life
Probably fifteen years ago, I was at a little women's "crafty" event at my church on a Saturday morning. It was organized so that we could go from room to room for various sessions on things like Painting on Glass, Making Christmas Ornaments - things like that. There was one session entitled "I'm not Martha Stewart". Of course, that one intrigued me the most, so I headed for the room. A woman named Julie Sparkman was teaching the class. I had never met her before, but I loved her self-deprecating humor, her honesty, and her style. (One of her "decorating tips" was to put on a latex glove, spray it with gold paint and then "create a marbled effect" on a candle by grabbing on to it a couple of times with the paint covered glove. She really wasn't Martha Stewart. She was more like Julia Child with a glue gun. I loved her immediately!)
Julie had a few words of wisdom to share with us, too, about the importance of having beauty in our lives. At that particular time, I had five small children, and everything in my house was beige with black and white checked pillows because it was easy and everything matched. At one point, Julie said "Have you let the color go out of your life? Why have you allowed that to happen?" I about fell out of the chair! She had nailed me! I am a person who loves color, but I was living beige because there were no risks, it was easy and I was lazy. It hit home like I was breaking one of the Big 10. What I was doing wasn't just lazy, it was wrong.
That day, I left with two things - a new friend and a new awareness that color mattered.
I haven't been the same since I was convicted of the sin of "beige". Now, my house has lots of color. I have learned that living without color is to be half-dead - at least to my way of thinking.
LIVING COLOR AND BEAUTY
For me, it isn't only color, it is beauty. And one of my favorite combinations of beauty and color is FLOWERS!
Last week, I went to Collier's Nursery to buy some spring flowers. Five years ago, I had actually worked at Collier's Nursery for about four months. I took the job to heal from a very painful loss, and it was one of the best things I could have done to regain joy in my life. I was surrounded by beautiful flowers, learned a ton about gardening, got lots of sunshine and exercise and had a marvelous time being there. When I went in the other day, I was sad to leave. So, I called Jimmy Collier, the owner, and asked him if I could work through the busy season this Spring. He said "YES!" He was excited to have me back, so I had my first day at Colliers today! It was wonderful! I was there from 10 to 5:30 with a 10 minute break for lunch. We were slammed with customers, but all my flower knowledge came back quickly. I loved it!
However, when I got home a little while ago, I could tell it had been a long time since I had walked for 7-1/2 hours straight. I have been limping around here and groaning like crazy. My legs are killing me, but I am sure they will be better by Monday when I go back. I will be up at Collier's on Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturdays for the next four weeks. (If you live in Birmingham, come see me!)
CHOOSING HOW TO LIVE OUT YOUR DAYS
Despite the fact that I can hardly walk right now, I would rather have spent the day looking at beauty, helping people choose the flowers that gave them joy, and getting filthy in the process, than just about anything. This is only a four week stint, but it is such a joyful little diversion in my general life direction. Sometimes, it is good to pursue that crazy little passion, even if it is only for a brief time. I don't need to make a career of Collier's (I don't think my legs could handle it) but it is worth it to be there for just a few weeks.
As I enter the next part of my journey, I want to remember to pursue the experiences that bring color and beauty to my life, even if they are just for a few minutes, hours or days. It makes me alive to be in places like that.
Julie had a few words of wisdom to share with us, too, about the importance of having beauty in our lives. At that particular time, I had five small children, and everything in my house was beige with black and white checked pillows because it was easy and everything matched. At one point, Julie said "Have you let the color go out of your life? Why have you allowed that to happen?" I about fell out of the chair! She had nailed me! I am a person who loves color, but I was living beige because there were no risks, it was easy and I was lazy. It hit home like I was breaking one of the Big 10. What I was doing wasn't just lazy, it was wrong.
That day, I left with two things - a new friend and a new awareness that color mattered.
I haven't been the same since I was convicted of the sin of "beige". Now, my house has lots of color. I have learned that living without color is to be half-dead - at least to my way of thinking.
LIVING COLOR AND BEAUTY
For me, it isn't only color, it is beauty. And one of my favorite combinations of beauty and color is FLOWERS!
Last week, I went to Collier's Nursery to buy some spring flowers. Five years ago, I had actually worked at Collier's Nursery for about four months. I took the job to heal from a very painful loss, and it was one of the best things I could have done to regain joy in my life. I was surrounded by beautiful flowers, learned a ton about gardening, got lots of sunshine and exercise and had a marvelous time being there. When I went in the other day, I was sad to leave. So, I called Jimmy Collier, the owner, and asked him if I could work through the busy season this Spring. He said "YES!" He was excited to have me back, so I had my first day at Colliers today! It was wonderful! I was there from 10 to 5:30 with a 10 minute break for lunch. We were slammed with customers, but all my flower knowledge came back quickly. I loved it!
CHOOSING HOW TO LIVE OUT YOUR DAYS
Despite the fact that I can hardly walk right now, I would rather have spent the day looking at beauty, helping people choose the flowers that gave them joy, and getting filthy in the process, than just about anything. This is only a four week stint, but it is such a joyful little diversion in my general life direction. Sometimes, it is good to pursue that crazy little passion, even if it is only for a brief time. I don't need to make a career of Collier's (I don't think my legs could handle it) but it is worth it to be there for just a few weeks.
As I enter the next part of my journey, I want to remember to pursue the experiences that bring color and beauty to my life, even if they are just for a few minutes, hours or days. It makes me alive to be in places like that.
Friday, April 13, 2012
New Perspective
A few weeks ago, I was
on the phone with my friend, Gina, who told me her doctor's comment on
her health at her 60 year checkup. "You are in great shape. You will
live to be 100!"
Interestingly, my friend shared this story with me not once, but three times within a two week period. Clearly, this had left an indelible impression on her. After the third time, I took a shot at guessing what her initial response had been. "Let me guess...on the outside, you said 'Wow, that's great', and on the inside you said 'Oh, sh--!'"
She burst into laughter, clearly acknowledging that the idea of another 40 years might feel more like a burden than a blessing.
I continued ..."I know - you were thinking 'Oh, no! How am I going to afford that? I am going to have to save a bunch more money to make it to 100! I am not sure I want the responsibility of planning on that much time on Earth!'" Again, she laughed in acknowledgement that I was spot on.
It really didn't take a great deal of insight to know what she was thinking, because the moment she told me - the first time - I thought the same thing. "Seriously? Wow, what a bummer. What if I found out I was going to live forty years beyond my 60th (which comes up on July 22 of this year). What kind of life will it be? Can I afford it? What kind of physical and mental state will I be in if I live that long? Do I WANT to be around that long?"
My friend's "good" news caused me to do some deep reflecting. In honesty, I had been in at least a six year holding pattern in life. I didn't see much to get excited about in the future. The aging process had started. Hormones had changed. Children had launched. It seemed like the biggest concern in my life was how we were going to have enough money to live out the rest of our days. I already knew that Jim would most likely live into his late 90's, but I seriously hoped I wouldn't be around that long. With my friend's new "reality", my own reality was challenged. A paradigm shift occurred.
I thought, "Wow! What if I have forty more years? That is a lot of time! Maybe I should think about what I could do with that time instead of just waiting for the end." I began to think about the person I had hoped to become and whether I might still have time to close the gap. What if I could actually become who I thought I was? What needed to change? What if I found out my imagined Ideal Self turned out to be not what I really wanted? But, I would never know that unless I actually "tried it on", so to speak.
These new thoughts led me to consider a wide variety of possibilities - something completely new for me. It was like having a beautiful new empty room and the ability to possibly put exactly the right furnishings in place - to express outwardly who I was on the inside. I got excited!
One of the gifts that I believe I have, that had gone into hiding, was writing. Because of my cancer 18 months ago, I had actually started to write again. I wrote a blog, Being Fully Present, but didn't tell anyone about it - didn't really share the link. But, as I had looked back at that blog over the last few months, I was glad I had written all those reflections.
So, when I realized earlier this week that today marked exactly 100 days before my 60th, I decide to start preparing for my next four decades. I decided to begin exploring all kinds of subjects - health, beauty, money, dreams, beliefs, disillusionments, change, family, friendships and more - and see what I thought, and what others might have to say. My last blog was a very private journal for myself (and maybe others) this blog is just wide open. I want dialog, I want comments, I want to have fun!
So, this is DAY 1 of 100. This is the start. Hopefully, I will write every day. Can't guarantee that, but I am going to try. Or, I might three times in one day, who knows? I will be adding things to the blog - pictures, links - I will probably change the wallpaper a couple of times, and the layout. It will be a work in progress. It is the packing and planning before the vacation. I have 100 days to prepare for the next 40 years - let the journey begin!
Interestingly, my friend shared this story with me not once, but three times within a two week period. Clearly, this had left an indelible impression on her. After the third time, I took a shot at guessing what her initial response had been. "Let me guess...on the outside, you said 'Wow, that's great', and on the inside you said 'Oh, sh--!'"
She burst into laughter, clearly acknowledging that the idea of another 40 years might feel more like a burden than a blessing.
I continued ..."I know - you were thinking 'Oh, no! How am I going to afford that? I am going to have to save a bunch more money to make it to 100! I am not sure I want the responsibility of planning on that much time on Earth!'" Again, she laughed in acknowledgement that I was spot on.
It really didn't take a great deal of insight to know what she was thinking, because the moment she told me - the first time - I thought the same thing. "Seriously? Wow, what a bummer. What if I found out I was going to live forty years beyond my 60th (which comes up on July 22 of this year). What kind of life will it be? Can I afford it? What kind of physical and mental state will I be in if I live that long? Do I WANT to be around that long?"
My friend's "good" news caused me to do some deep reflecting. In honesty, I had been in at least a six year holding pattern in life. I didn't see much to get excited about in the future. The aging process had started. Hormones had changed. Children had launched. It seemed like the biggest concern in my life was how we were going to have enough money to live out the rest of our days. I already knew that Jim would most likely live into his late 90's, but I seriously hoped I wouldn't be around that long. With my friend's new "reality", my own reality was challenged. A paradigm shift occurred.
I thought, "Wow! What if I have forty more years? That is a lot of time! Maybe I should think about what I could do with that time instead of just waiting for the end." I began to think about the person I had hoped to become and whether I might still have time to close the gap. What if I could actually become who I thought I was? What needed to change? What if I found out my imagined Ideal Self turned out to be not what I really wanted? But, I would never know that unless I actually "tried it on", so to speak.
These new thoughts led me to consider a wide variety of possibilities - something completely new for me. It was like having a beautiful new empty room and the ability to possibly put exactly the right furnishings in place - to express outwardly who I was on the inside. I got excited!
One of the gifts that I believe I have, that had gone into hiding, was writing. Because of my cancer 18 months ago, I had actually started to write again. I wrote a blog, Being Fully Present, but didn't tell anyone about it - didn't really share the link. But, as I had looked back at that blog over the last few months, I was glad I had written all those reflections.
So, when I realized earlier this week that today marked exactly 100 days before my 60th, I decide to start preparing for my next four decades. I decided to begin exploring all kinds of subjects - health, beauty, money, dreams, beliefs, disillusionments, change, family, friendships and more - and see what I thought, and what others might have to say. My last blog was a very private journal for myself (and maybe others) this blog is just wide open. I want dialog, I want comments, I want to have fun!
So, this is DAY 1 of 100. This is the start. Hopefully, I will write every day. Can't guarantee that, but I am going to try. Or, I might three times in one day, who knows? I will be adding things to the blog - pictures, links - I will probably change the wallpaper a couple of times, and the layout. It will be a work in progress. It is the packing and planning before the vacation. I have 100 days to prepare for the next 40 years - let the journey begin!
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