Long-Distance Mothering

When each of my children was born, there was a very real, but invisible thread that tied my heart to my children.  Not just with love, but with a sense of proximity. 

When children are small, a mother is ALWAYS aware of where the child is.  Just like we know where our feet or our hands are at any given moment, we have that same internal radar that maintains a thread of connection to where they are at all times.  One is napping, one is playing in the yard, another is over at a friend's house.  They may be out of sight, but a mom is still connected to them.

All our children are grown now.  They live in various places around the world.  One in Germany, one in Vermont, two in California and one here in Birmingham.  Last week, we were able to go up to Vermont and see our son, Ryan and his wife for the first time since they have been living there.  They showed us all around their town, showed us the places where they worked and the favorite restaurants they visit.  Now, when we think of Ryan and Celeste, we have a better sense of where they are at any given time.  We are more connected.

Also this week, our daughter Megan, who lives in Germany, flew to California to babysit for her niece and nephew while her sister, Katie, and her husband went on an anniversary trip.  Megan, who usually lives across "the Pond" was on the same continent with us.  Even though she was on the California coast, all this week, there was a sense in me that she was here, that she was home.  It was good.

And today, our youngest son, Dave, who also lives in California, had to go to the ER because of an infection in his hand.  He had had some relatively minor surgery a few weeks back that had not healed as it should, so he was in great pain, had a lot of swelling and had to drive himself to the ER. 

I had just gotten to Colliers to work for the day when my husband let me know Dave was headed to the hospital.  That thread of connection was very obvious all day long.  I was texting Jim to find out if he had heard any news.  I was encouraged when I heard that Katie and Meg had gone to the hospital to pick him up after he had had to have a second surgery today.  I was so grateful that the three of them were together when Dave, who is single, was needing extra help and care.  Honestly, if Katie did not live out there near Dave, I would have been on a plane to go help him.  I really wanted a much shorter cord to the situation.

On top of that, Megan is headed back to Germany right now.  In fact, she is sitting at LAX as I write, waiting to board the plane that will take her back.  As crazy as it sounds, I feel the cord that connects me to Meg being stretched once again.  I feel the tension of my mother cord being pulled hard. 

They may all be grown and gone and building their own lives, but the heart-proximity cord that bonded me to them at the very moment that that umbilical cord was cut, is just as real and just as present as it was in that delivery room; as it was when they played at a friend's house; as it was when they started driving; as it was when they left for college or moved to their first new home of their own.

I have three grandchildren whom I love dearly, but my attachment to them will probably never be as intrinsic and powerful as the connection between me and my own babies. 

Tonight, I feel stretched a little tighter.  A part of me is at Katie's house, thinking of her caring for her own two children, her husband, and her brother, who will be with her for a few days.  A part of me is at a gate at LAX, aware that my daughter is flying further away again.  A part of me is thinking of my Vermont son who will be celebrating his birthday this week doing complex surgical procedures on his patients.  And a part of me is here in Birmingham, thinking of my son, his wife and their two month old, as he is starting his own business in challenging financial times.

It really doesn't matter what I do with the next forty years when I compare it to the person I have already grown to be because of these five children.  I have been stretched farther than I ever thought possible; and, no matter how far they go, my heart connection to them will never be severed.  And, I am quite confident, that I will continue to be stretched to new limits in the future, because that precious cord of love knows no bounds.

I Want That Marshmallow NOW!!!

One of the results of living reflectively is that one's life-patterns are revealed.  That has certainly been the case for me over these last few weeks.  I actually think that one of the reasons I have not written for a while is because I have come up against my own life-patterns and have not been happy with what I have found.   I will have initial spurts of movement, but I lose momentum quickly.  In all honesty, it is embarrassing to be doing a blog about living intentionally, and then see a life-pattern of starts and stops and minimal progress.  I have even had moments of thinking of stopping this all together because it is too embarrassing to be saying I am going to do "this" and then, in three days, it is forgotten or sabotaged (by me). 

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I felt like the undisciplined child that wants what I want when I want it.  Ever since I got that image in my brain, I see it happening over and over again.  I have a hard time focusing on a long-term goal when I have a possibility for immediate pleasure or satisfaction. How do I set goals for the next forty years if I can't take those baby steps of growth today? 

So, my awareness of my weaknesses - especially my lack of ability to delay gratification - has been at the forefront of my thoughts.  So, I was especially tuned in for what I learned this week.

DELAYED GRATIFICATION
Every weekday morning, in my Nuskin business, we have 30 minute calls by leaders in the company.  Most of the calls focus on areas of personal growth (one of the qualities that attracted me to this business).  Last week, I listened to a call about "delayed gratification".  The woman who was talking is a Marriage and Family Therapist, active in the business, and also a participant in the famous Stanford Marshmallow Study.  This was a study started in the 70's with 4 and 5 year olds.  They were given the option of eating the marshmallow right then, or waiting until the researcher came back in the room in 15 minutes.  If they waited, they would get two marshmallows.  Here's a video of the experiment (very funny!)

The speaker's point was that if we only focus on satisfying our needs in the moment, we will fail to achieve some of the great things we aspire to.  It was a challenge to stay the course and grow with the trials of building a business so that we could have the rewards that would come with a matured organization.

I needed to hear that message.  Not only for my business, but for my life.  I seriously doubt that I would have made it through the 15-minute wait for the marshmallow.  Another bit of information that the woman shared on the call was that the children in that experiment had been followed for over thirty years.  What they found was that the children who were able to wait were also very successful in life.  The ability to delay immediate gratification had long-term value!  Not only that, but the prefrontal cortex of their brain, which helps us set goals and pursue them, was larger in these children.  Some of that growth may have been the result of learning how to delay gratification at an early age (I am sure there are genetic components to this, but Nature-Nurture is probably a component of all this.)

AGING AND THE BRAIN
When I read that the the goal-setting part of the brain was larger in these children, it made me wonder if that part of the brain might not work as well as one ages.  So, I did a little research and - sure enough - that is one of the parts of the brain that does shrink as one ages.  Performance is clearly effected by age.    In other words, as we age, our ability to be goal directed and stay on task deteriorates!  So, some of my struggles may come with the aging process.  That is the bad news. 

Now, for the good news! Studies show that exercise slows down that deterioration.  Also, diet, good supplementation and a glass of wine a day are helpful in keeping our brains from aging.  These are all areas that I have been strategically working on! 

I want to write more about that in the next blog.  While aging is inevitable, it can be slowed down if we implement change.

So, that's enough for now.  I have been putting off getting a snack for the last two hours.  I think I will go have it now!  :-)

Lessons from Ben and Jerry

This past weekend, Jim and I were in Vermont to visit our son, Ryan, and his beautiful wife, Celeste.  We flew into Burlington and then had a two hour drive down to their home in Norwich, and on the way, we were able to stop at Ben and Jerry's ice cream factory.  Of course, the big draw was the ice cream and having a little "tourist-y fun", but we got much more from our little visit.
First, we got some dumb cow jokes "What do you call a cow who has just given birth? De-calf-inated."  "Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work." Then, we got a very short, but informative and fun tour of the facility. Then, we got to sample the upcoming flavor!  It is still top-secret, but I can tell you it had strawberries in it and it was really good! :-)

MAKING A DIFFERENCE
Our sample of the new flavor was really small, so we had to purchase a regular size bowl in honor of our visit.  Jim got some wonderful Frozen Greek Yogurt with hot chocolate sauce and I went for two different kinds of CHOCOLATE!  They were both very tasty.
While we were eating our wonderful ice creams, we were able to watch a video about Ben and Jerry and the history of their company.  I learned a number of great principles from listening to their story.
First of all, Ben and Jerry were men of guided by principles, not money. The primary principle was that they were going to make a difference in the world.  They wanted to support small local farmers, so they only used Vermont milk and cream in their products.  They also looked for ways to help other "do-gooders".  When they found a non-profit bakery that employed at-risk youth, they looked for a way to incorporate the bakery's brownies in their ice cream.  That led to the creation of their Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream. (I am still trying to figure out a way to eat lots of that ice cream in order to promote a good cause!).  All kidding aside, there were any number of stories of Ben and Jerry coming up with creative solutions to problems they had to deal with.

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS
One of the funniest, and most compelling stories, was about when Pillbury, the owner of Haagen Daaz brand ice cream, tried to manipulate distribution in such a way that Ben and Jerry's would be squeezed out of the market.  Recognizing that it was impossible to file a lawsuit against a company as big as Pillsbury, they came up with a creative solution - Jerry would be a one-person picket line in front of the Pillsbury headquarters.  Here is a link to hear more about what happened. While it is a funny story, it reveals the way they considered creative options, rather than putting on the gloves and duking it out.

FINDING A VOICE
Not only did they find ways to advance the business, they also found ways to further their own anti-war perspective through their company.  Regardless of your political perspective, the idea of finding creative ways to make your point is refreshing - like, Ben Cohen's "cookie" explanation of military spending - a link to that is found here. 

APPLYING THESE PRINCIPLES IN MY LIFE
Besides the fact that I am from the same generation as these two, I found their philosophy compelling.  As I listened to their story (and not everything works out wonderfully), I was struck by some challenging thoughts.  For one thing, they ran up against problems all the time.  They would figure out how to handle one thing, and something else would show up.  If they were going to grow the business, they were going to face obstacles.
I think it is so easy to think that an obstacle means we are on the wrong track.  But, the truth is that no matter what track you are on, there will be obstacles - challenges that seem to get in the way of reaching one's dreams.  Hearing their consistent pattern of finding creative solutions to problems was a challenge to think outside the box when difficulties arise.
Secondly, I liked the fact that they found whimsical strategies that had clout, at the same time.  The picketing in front of Pillsbury was only one example of a creative, fun and effective way to deal with a very serious problem.
Third, they have not been stopped from making a difference in the world just because Unilever bought them out.  Ben and Jerry's was taken over by a bigger company and they lost their exclusive ownership of their "baby".  That had to have been devastating.  But, even that painful loss did not keep them from getting involved in the lives of people, speaking out on their political beliefs, and finding creative ways to keep helping others.
Lastly, they were the little guys who made a mark.  There is a certain humility to their demeanor.  They just knew they wanted to impact the world, and two dessert makers found a way to do that.  I find that extremely encouraging!

THINGS TO CONSIDER...
As I face challenges in the coming years, I hope I can find whimsical, but effective, ways to address those issues.  I hope that I will remember that one person can make a difference, and I hope that I will think of even more creative ways to help and promote others as I move forward myself. 

How Do I Change?

Monday morning, I was really frustrated with myself.  Ever since I started this blog, I have been paying more attention to my behaviors and actions.  My overall assessment is that I fall back into old patterns too much.  I say I am going to do something, but I don't follow through.  I go on a diet, and I am off of it within days.  I promise myself I will limit computer time, and I am right back at it in no time.  No matter what my resolves in the quiet of the morning, by the end of the day, I have fallen back into lazy behaviors.

I ended up writing in my journal that I felt like an undisciplined child who didn't want to be told "NO".  I didn't have any real structure to my life, and I had been withdrawing from relationships around me a good bit.  Monday morning, I knew that things needed to change.  BUT, I had said that so many times, and I had failed to follow through so frequently, that I hesitated to even start another attempt to change.The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."  I was tired of the insanity, but what to do?

LOOKING FOR RESOURCES
So, I started thinking about practical pieces that needed to be in place to have a different outcome.  I remembered a video I had run across back at the beginning of the year.  I had heard about it through a friend of mine who is also a therapist.  She told me about one of her clients who had made some major changes in her life.  This was a person had been stuck for a long time, but within a fairly short time period, she grew a lot!  My friend was so impressed, that she asked her what she was doing.  The woman told her she was attending a year long life coaching program that was making all the difference. 

The program was developed by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and here is a link to a video that explains the program and the four things that have to be present in order for real change to occur - Relationships, Information, Experience and Structure. After I watched this video, I watched another one about the Resistance Curve.  (I encourage you to watch both of these short videos if you are struggling with change, too.) I had a few of my own a-ha moments as I saw why I tend to slid back from success so many times.  Clearly, I needed to think about putting all four resources into place if I really wanted to move ahead in the future.

A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF SUCCESS
So, while I am deeply pondering these things, I watched the HBO series on obesity, The Weight of the Nation.  The series highlighted the incredible challenges that are ahead of us as a nation, and as individuals.  They presented the stories of many people, some who had stayed stuck with their health issues, and others who had found long-term solutions.

Why did some succeed at changing and others didn't?   How does one move from an unhealthy lifestyle to a healthy lifestyle - especially when it means giving up familiar patterns and comfort foods to take on new behaviors, new thinking and new ways of eating?  For many of the obese people they talked to, change seemed impossible.  But for others, they did change - for good!  What made the difference?

Without exception, the people who had managed to radically change their lifestyle had had all four of the components Henry Cloud said were necessary! They had a support group of some type that helped them stay on their program.  They were learning about their own health and the need to change.  They had to start doing new things and practicing those changes on a regular basis.  And, they had to have a structured plan for exercise and meal plans, as well as some measure of change that they could see.

Those who had all four were able to change.  Those who merely hoped or tried on their own met with failure after failure. Clearly, just wishing for change is not enough, but planning and implementing new choices with a support system available does make a difference!

PROCESSING WHAT I LEARNED
I am still processing what I need to do to put all the needed supports in place for true change.  Monday morning, though, I took a baby step.  I wrote down in my journal exactly what my rules would be for that day - not that week, not the entire month, or for a lifetime.  Some of the statements were: "I will stay on the Paleo Diet all day."  "I will only look at Facebook twice today."  "This morning, I will do 3 sets of 5 exercises, and only 20 reps of each one."  Things like that.

The next morning, I checked off the ones I had followed through on.  I found I had been more successful on Monday because I had written down specific goals and tasks that were doable.  Instead of taking on an entire lifetime, I just needed to be consistent one day at at time.

This is only one piece of the four that Henry mentioned.  I still have a ways to go on the others.  I still need a support structure of relationships around me.  I still need a plan for when I run into that Ridge of Resistance, but at least I have learned what the pieces are that I need to make a difference. If those people in the HBO series can find a way to make radical lifestyle changes, I probably can, too.  IF I am willing to set up the structures that support change.

Seventy Days to Go...

Ten weeks left in my countdown.  Time to assess the Big Rocks...

1. HEALTH- Not so great.  Besides having a little visit to the hospital, I totally got off the Paleo diet and lost ground instead of weight.  (Honestly, this 100 days was never about losing weight.)  Besides that, I got a bad case of poison ivy from stepping off the driveway to pick up the paper one morning.  I am terribly allergic to it.  Fortunately, I have been proactive in addressing the heart and the poison ivy issues.  And, I do know that eating protein, fruits and vegetables and good fats feels a whole lot better than eating carbs.  Another plus - after studying up, I got back on bio-identical hormones - the first time since I had my Stage 0 cancer.  Normally, I would not mention something like this, but hormones are a huge issue for women.  Without them, it is extremely hard to function.  I consider this to be a major physical and mental health issue for post-menopausal women.  I plan to write more about that in the next few weeks.  So, overall - I would give myself about 5.
2. PURPOSE- As I said from the beginning, this is probably going to be one of the last rocks to find it's place in the big picture.  I still am not sure where the majority of my focus should be.  I love working at the nursery, but, I think there is more.  I really sense that God has me in a waiting place.  He seems silent on direction right now.  That is okay.  I think that this is attuning my ears to realize how much I need some sense of direction and clarity.  I would say that I have felt stirrings about either editing the manuscript I have, or starting another one.  Additionally, my desire to teach workshops or lead groups for women passing through this same time in life has increased.  I loved doing workshops and seminars, but that totally went to the wayside over the last 7 years.  I also have considered becoming a Master Gardener, I am signed up for a painting course, and I had a reawakening about doing the Appalachian Trail - something I have always wanted to do.  Since I have made some progress in this area, I would give it a 6.
3. BEAUTY - Yesterday, when I walked into Collier's and saw the phenomenal display of color and beauty, it took my breath away.  I had to pull out my camera and take pictures.  The entire day, I was just awestruck with the variety, beauty and mystery of all the flowers.  Clearly, this feeds my soul.  While my Spring stretch of working there has almost come to an end, I will certainly try to fill in every now and then just for the sheer joy of being there. I also mentioned that I got signed up for a painting class in June. This is a huge step for me.  So, on Beauty, I would give myself about 8.
4. SPIRITUALITY- Let's just say I am more aware of my needs.  I think that my limited attention span makes this more challenging.  As I wrote in my last blog, too much virtual stimulation works against a deeply spiritual life.  I believe that it is in direct opposition to deep spirituality.  Nothing personal to those who spend lots of time on Facebook, but I don't see the really deep, focused, involved-in-life people making hourly posts on their page.  I do believe there is a direct relationship between too much social media and shallow relationships.  I have limited my time on Facebook, taken it off my phone and am more aware of the dangers.  So, overall, I would give it about 6.
5. FINANCES - I am getting into the stock market!  I signed up for Motley Fool and am now tracking our investments.  That is fun (but it can be another distraction).  Jim and I are taking a financial course at church which I think will help me get a better handle on creating order in my bookkeeping.  THIS IS HARD!  Also, I have been trying to juggle too many business options.  Definitely need to get focused a lot more.  Some good, some bad - 6.
6. FAMILY- I have spent a lot more time with my folks lately.  Especially with the major surgery my dad had on his face, I have been checking on them, taking food, and helping out where I can.  I need to work on my connections with the kids.  Jim and I still have way too many computer evenings.  We have some Swing Dance DVD's that I hope we will plug in this week.  Also, we are going to see Ryan and Celeste next weekend, so that is going to be a wonderful time.  Let's say 8.
7. FRIENDS- One of the neat things that has come out of this blog is that I have heard from a few friends that I haven't talked to in years.  One woman wrote and told me she really resonated with what I was writing, so we got together for lunch and had a great visit.  Still need to work on this area, but it is improving, so 6.
8. THE HOUSE - No real movement there other than still thinking a move is coming in the next few years. Give it a 2.

While there have been a lot of ups and downs, I would say that being aware of these areas, and assessing them on a semi-regular basis has helped me to make better decisions about how to spend my time.  I have found myself being more intentional about looking for solutions.  Best of all, I have heard from others like myself who are wondering what comes next in the decades ahead.

That's it for today.  Happy Mother's Day to all moms.  

Living a Virtual Life

My first blog was entitled "Being Fully Present".  It wasn't supposed to be a cancer blog, it just ended up that way because I started blogging about the same time I was diagnosed.

But being fully present is a life theme for me.  My basic wiring is such that I stay in my head, in the world of thoughts, much more easily than I stay in the here and now.  It is work for me to stay fully engaged in the present.  That is one reason why the Collier's job is so good for me.  It makes me stay in the moment in a very tactile world.

When I wrote my book, one of the main themes was that we were designed to be relational beings in intimate relationship with a relational God - not a concept or impersonal spirit, but a God who, in his very essence, is incapable of superficial relating.  I noted that there was really a continuum between the infinitely personal God and the digital world of 1's and 0's.  When it comes to computers and all our electronic devices, they all run on programs that are various combinations of "ON" and "OFF".  The main point I was making is that our culture is becoming increasingly depersonalized, which moves us away from intimacy.  (As you can see by this one paragraph, when I go into my head, I do it in a big way!)

Anyway, this is what it comes down to - I have to pay attention to my relationships, for that is where real life exists.  And what I am struggling with right now is that, for all its pluses, all our forms of social media are moving us away from intimacy, not toward it.  Yesterday was a pivotal example.

First of all, when I got up yesterday morning, I was already very sensitive to how much time I had wasted on Facebook, playing Bejeweled, learning about stocks, checking my email, looking at the hourly weather...you get the idea.  It bugged me so much that I took Bejeweled and my mobile Facebook app off my phone before I went to pick up my parents.  I was going to be spending the day with my parents in a stressful situation and I needed to just be with them - not distracted.

Despite the fact that I had removed two major distractions, I found myself digging into my purse for my phone on a regular basis.  I would check the weather, see what was happening with my pet stocks, see if I had any new emails.  Not one of these things was necessary for the entire day.  All of them could have waited until last night and could have been handled within a few minutes.  Instead, I almost reflexively pull out that device.  Honestly, I have started thinking constantly of one verse in Isaiah.  It is a passage about idols, but I feel like it is painfully applicable here:

He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him; he cannot save himself, or say "Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?"  Isaiah 44:20

I am beginning to pick up that smart phone and wonder if I am holding a lie.  This is not solely a communication device, it is a virtual device.  It is a virtual life device.  When my face turns toward that little digital face, I step out of the here and now.  That was what originally annoyed all of us about cell phones - the minute we saw one, we knew that person was not really with us - they were connecting somewhere away from the present moment.

What am I to do with such knowledge?  Stop using a cell phone? No.  BUT, I do need to give some serious consideration to how much I am connected to my virtual world.  Facebook connects us to loved ones, but is full of noise.  It is an advertisement vehicle.  Maybe the original goal of the creators was to get people connected, but now the goal is to keep people on there as long as possible so they can see the most ads, and make money for themselves and their ad clients.  Am I losing my life to trivia?  Am I training my mind to want a "fix" every few minutes?  What on earth is this going to be like for our children and grandchildren who have no idea what a day without a computer is like?

We are on the threshold of virtual living - an entire generation that has no idea what it means to be silent or bored - I mean the good kind of bored that leads to creativity, friendships and conversations.

I am concerned.  And, I have to seriously consider how much of my next forty years I want to spend in virtual living.  If I don't make some different choices, I am afraid I will fail to be fully present in the days and years to come.  

Five Observations from a Disorienting Week

I've been at the hospital four times this week.  One admission for observations, one ER follow-up appointment, one stress test - all of these were for me.  Today, I was at the hospital to help my parents with some outpatient surgery.  My dad had a melanoma on his face that was treated, but needed a lot of plastic surgery to make it right.  My folks are in their late 80's and in very good health for their age. Despite that, this surgery was scary.  It was a very large area, a very deep wound and they were both pretty anxious about it.

As I have spent the week in waiting rooms, pre-op rooms and various other parts of the hospital, I have experienced lots of things that have cause me to reflect on life, aging and choices.

These are five things I gleaned from this week:

1. It is okay to go to the hospital if you think something is wrong.  Even though I have had several moments of questioning my decision to go into the ER last Saturday, I have been validated by many folks that it was the right thing to do.  While I was in the waiting room before my stress test, I heard several women talking about how they, or someone close to them, had experienced a heart attack or stroke with very subtle and unusual symptoms.  One woman said the only symptom her mother had of a heart attack was painful teeth!  Another said that she had had hiccups!  Those may be kind of out there, but, as many doctors told me, "go with your gut."  
2. People live longer than they think they will.  When I was in for my stress test, one of the techs mentioned that lots of the people who come in there will say "If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself."  Tonight, when I was with my dad at home, he told a story of a friend of his who had died at 88.  "I remember Bob telling me when we were both about 68 'I don't think I have many more years left in me.' As it turned out, he lived another 20 years.  He was way off."  People are short-sighted.  They don't really seriously consider the days of their lives.
3. Obesity is an epidemic, and it is a very painful way to go. Every one of the 6 women in the stress test waiting room with me was clinically obese.  The stories they told of arthritis, breathing problems, joint pain, heart problems and more, were heartbreaking.  I had just watched a video of a man who was terribly obese, but did something about it and I thought about what a different quality of life these women would have had if they were closer to their ideal weight. (Here is the link to that amazing transformation story)
4. Despite all the vivid examples of people who had been making consistently bad choices for a long time, it is still not enough to keep me from making my own poor choices.  This is probably stating the obvious, but even when we have tons of facts and information that tells us to exercise regularly, eat good foods, stay away from junk foods, etc.  Despite all the warnings, that is not enough to make me "do the right thing".  All week long, I have found myself making lousy choices in the way I spend my time, the way I eat, the amount of exercise I get and more.  I cannot get on the case of an obese person for not losing the weight when I lack self-control in so many areas of my own life.  
5. Patience and Grace are needed in the hard places in life - especially toward ourselves.  I suppose we always need Patience and Grace, but I think it is harder to come by when there is a lot of stress, or sickness or other life challenges.  I really didn't have a problem today as I tried to make things a little easier for my mom and dad through Dad's surgery.  They were both pretty anxious about this whole thing and there were lots of little things that required special amounts of patience and grace. Caring for them today was not hard.  But, as I have watched myself  make one mistake after another this week in various areas, I have had little patience or grace for me.  One of the readings in Jesus Calling this week said "Don't be so hard on yourself.  God can bring good even out of your mistakes."  I still don't have the balance between personal accountability and accepting human frailties, but I do think I need to allow God's grace to impact my own life in larger and larger ways.

This has been a challenging week, and has had it's setback - at least according to my agenda.  Last Saturday's trip to the ER was disorienting and I haven't gotten my equilibrium back completely, but I hope I take to heart these five observations I have made - especially in the area of Grace!

Processing a Crazy Saturday

When I woke up this morning, I really wished that Saturday had been a dream.  I felt fine and couldn't really remember how the pain or tightness had felt 24 hours earlier, so it seemed pretty crazy that I would feel so compelled to get Jim up, go to the ER and then spend the day in the hospital over a little tightness in my chest.  Why would I want to have friends and family think I am some kind of hypochondriac?  Why would I want to miss a day at Colliers?  Why would I want anyone to think that I was "weak" or "sick"?  Why would I spend our good money on something as stupid as a trip to the ER, blood tests, crazy beds that move around underneath you all the time, and really bad institutional food?

I started out really beating up on myself.  Then, I decided I needed to stop that.  I don't know what happened, and I should just be happy that I got such a good report.  (I still need to call in tomorrow to set up a stress test, but basically, I feel fine.)  I made my morning coffee (and it tasted just fine), sat down and wrote what I had learned from the experience. 

First of all, I learned that I really do want to do a lot more things.  I had been toying again with the idea of doing the Appalachian Trail.  (That has been a dream of mine for many years.)  When I started to imagine what serious heart damage might mean to that idea, I realized that I really do want to stay at peak performance as long as possible.  I wanted to be able to hike with Ryan and Celeste when we go to Vermont later this month.  I wanted to keep working at Colliers.  There were lots of things that really did matter to me.  A brush with whatever-this-was helped me to solidify that I really did have some hopes and dreams. 

Also, it was sort of surreal to be in such a lovely suite in a hospital bed.  The bed is always in the same place in the room.  Despite the lovely surroundings, I realized that many people had entered Eternity from that very spot in which I was mindlessly playing Bejeweled. 

And, what if it really had been a heart attack?  What if this really had been my time to go Home?  I don't want to be fatalistic, but death is our certain reality.  At times like yesterday, I am reminded of the thin veil between life here and the life to come. 

SEVENTY-SEVEN DAYS TO GO...
Seven is the number of perfection, so I would imagine that 77 has it's own special meaning.  For me, it means that I am 11 weeks away from starting those last decades.  Yesterday, I had a "Mortality Check".  The truth is, it is better for me to live life with a sense of hope and a desire to make the most of my time here, than it is for me to live with a survivor mentality and just get by.  I need that larger room that still needs to be decorated - not a mindset that wants to get small, shut down and run away. 

At the same time, my days do have a number and I don't know what that number is.  I need to give serious consideration to important conversations, the development of stronger relationships, and the deepening of my trust in God and his plans for me.  I need to stay on the tethered line between living fully in the present and planning toward the future. 

My moments count - all of them.  Saturday was a good reminder that it's not all about the planning, it is about the living. 

HOW I SPENT CINCO DE MAYO, or That Was Some Pretty Bad Coffee!

NOT YOUR NORMAL SATURDAY

Yesterday was a little unusual. 

I got up at my usual early hour, made coffee, and sat down to think and read for a while.  At some point, I became aware of pain in my chest on the left side.  Not really severe, but enough to make me take notice.  It was very localized, my chest felt really tight, and it was uncomfortable.

At first, I thought it was the result of exercising.  Since my workout is on Thursday afternoons, I am always the most sore on Saturday.  But this was not muscle soreness.  It felt different from anything I had ever felt before.  Of course, I got on the web and started to do a few searches on chest pain. 

One of the first links I came across was this one - Women and Heart Attacks  I knew that for women, the symptoms of a heart attack are different from those of a man, and that, statistically, women are less likely to go to the hospital with their symptoms, according to this article. (Do you know why that is?  They don't want to bother anyone! )

Here are some of the symptoms of a heart attack:

1. A strange sensation in the chest, especially in the left side, as a fullness sensation, pain or squeezing
2. Heartburn - you can precisely indicate where the pain is located
3. Indigestion or pain in the upper middle abdomen
4. Shortness of breath and difficulties in respiration, dispnea
5. Jaw pain, toothache, headache
6. Nausea, abdominal discomfort or vomiting
7. Arm pain, more common the left arm, irradiating in the left shoulder and upper back
8. Sweating
9. General malaise and feeling of illness, fear, indisposition or anxiety
10. No symptoms - more than 1/4 of all heart attacks are silent, painless and no symptoms. Silent heart attacks seems to be the most dangerous - the patient isn't seeking medical care and this may have consequences. (1)

According to the CDC, Heart Disease is the biggest killer of women.  Twenty-five percent of all women die as a result of heart disease.(2)   Another article validates the prevalence of heart disease and why it often goes untreated:

Heart disease is the No. 1 killer of U.S. men and women, accounting for 40% of all U.S. deaths. That's more than all forms of cancer combined.
Why is heart disease so deadly? One reason is that many people are slow to seek help when symptoms arise. Yes, someone gripped by sudden chest pain probably knows to call 911. But heart symptoms aren't always intense or obvious, and they vary from person to person and according to gender. (3)

In my family, my dad had quadruple bypass surgery in his sixties and has an artificial valve.  His mother died of a sudden heart attack at 45.  My mother's mother died suddenly of coronary heart disease.  Of all the things that are likely problems for me, heart disease is at the top of the list.

SO, armed with a plethora of facts, a family history and a tightness in my chest, I ended up walking into the bedroom, waking Jim up and saying "I want to go to St. Vincent's.  I think something is up with my heart."  (How is that for a great way to wake up?)

THE EMERGENCY ROOM

Let me tell you this, if you walk in to an ER and say "I seem to be having some symptoms of a heart attack", things will spring into action.  There were nurses at the desk immediately.  Of course, I walked in on my own and certainly wasn't in any obvious distress, but they took me back, set up the EKG, and had a couple of vials of blood out of me within 20 minutes.  I am sure that if I had really been in distress, it would have been even faster.  

The doctor came in and took a history.  This week, I had been more tired than usual, sleeping less and working harder than normal. I had gone up to the park on Wednesday to run and couldn't even run 100 meters before I was walking again. I just did one lap around the lake and had headed for home.   Two weeks ago, I had run the full 5K.  He also heard about my family history and all those 33 radiation treatments on the left side.  "I would like to just hold you for the day and get 2 more blood samples to check for any damage.  Things look good, but considering your family history and the radiation, it would probably be best to run those labs."

So, we waited about 30 minutes and a room was ready for us upstairs.  

THE SUITE

We were taken to an amazing suite on the third floor.  It had tons of room and overlooked the city.  We could have had a Cinco de Mayo party in there with no problem (except for the small issue of being in the hospital.)

After I was settled, Jim headed home, got some stuff for me and our computers, and came back up to the room.  And so we sat for the next 12 hours - Jim on his computer, me in the bed with a bunch of monitors on me.
<<<
At one point, the doctor came in and asked a lot of the same questions as the ER doctor.  I asked her if she could make any sense of this.  She said, it could be acid reflux from the coffee.  (I am not doubting that possibility, because I know that can happen, but it really wasn't even that strong!) And, this is a good doctor, so I am not slamming her in any way.  It is just that apart from my minimal pain and tightness, there really weren't any indications of a problem.

The only break in the monotony was the lunch and dinner trays.  I wasn't faithful on the Paleo, but I sure enough didn't eat the Mystery Meat!  I did have a little snack, though.  On Paleo, you can have pure dark chocolate.  This was the closest substitute from the vending machines >>>

I basically sat there the entire day, played way too much Bejeweled on my phone, and read a bit.  It was pretty boring. 

The other thing I did was second guess myself as to why I had thought it necessary to make such a big deal out of a little tightness in my chest. 

FINAL VERDICT

After the third blood draw, they ran the tests and the nurse came in around 8PM and said we were free to go.  Had they found anything?  Nothing. Nada. Zip. 

So, the nurse unplugged me, pulled out the IV, I got dressed and we headed home.  When we got here, I pulled out the chips, salsa and guacamole, got Jim a beer (I had my usual glass of wine) and we celebrated what was left of Cinco de Mayo.

And that was that....  Crazy day.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Returning to My Roots - Going Grey

I have been talking about gaining greater congruence with the "self" I imagine myself to be in the decades ahead.  My heart's desire is to really think through how much of me is being defined by others expectations and how much of me is of my own choosing.  Besides the internal areas of my life, I want to apply this to the externals as well - What is my preferred style of dress? How much makeup do I want to wear?  How much attention do I want to give to looking healthy and youthful?

My personal belief is that natural beauty does not mean letting yourself go.  When God put Adam in the Garden, he said "Take care of it."  He expected him to tend it, create order, and make the most of the beauty that was there.  That took effort, planning, pruning and attention.  And, while there was supposed to be attention to making things look their best, I don't think that meant that everything had to look the same.  Each plant, flower and tree was to be brought to it's full potential, but not forced into some artificial conformity with all the other plants.  I believe a woman's beauty should be treated the same way - well-cared for, well-tended, but not overdone.  But, there is plenty of grey area here (no pun intended).  

BEAUTY DEFINED
I recently saw a post by some forty-something male pastor who was writing that Photoshop was from the Devil.  He had some point to make about women being their natural selves.  My first thought was "His wife hasn't hit menopause yet.  I wonder how much he is going to love her 'natural self' when the estrogen dries up." I get the point - to expect every woman to look like a Photoshopped model on the cover of Vogue is excessive.  But, to suggest that pruning, grooming and attention to appearance aren't godly is ridiculous.

But, who is going to define what is truly beautiful?   How does one decide how much "tending" is enough in a culture that considers cellulite on the thighs to be close to a mortal sin?  Where is the balance between "letting our inner beauty define us" and doing the necessary "pruning, tending and effort" to have the world experience our beauty at its best?  Who is to say that elective plastic surgery is wrong?  Or, on the other hand, that any makeup is vanity?

When it comes to a woman and the continuum of "tending the garden" of her beauty, there is a lot of room between Mother Teresa and Joan Rivers.

So, while I don't have this totally defined for myself, I've made a few decisions about my own appearance.  Here they are:

1.  I have decided to let my hair go grey (but keep having Micah give me great haircuts).
2.  I am going to take good care of my skin, naturally (and, I am really glad Gina told me about the Galvanic Spa.  I plan to keep using it for a long time).
3.  I am going to try to remember my mother's advice to consistently "wear some lipstick" (I am bad about that, but I know it helps).
4.  I want to be more attentive to my wardrobe so that I can dress appropriately for all occasions (mostly because I believe that appropriate dress makes one less self-conscious, and, therefore, freer to truly "see" others).
4.  I want my best feature to be kindness in my eyes (nothing is as beautiful as happy, loving eyes).

RESPONSES???
This is a huge topic.  My guess is that you have some of your own thoughts about it.  You may agree or disagree with some of this.  When it comes to what I personally plan to do, your opinion doesn't really matter, but I would love to get some responses to this subject.  I think that we need the support of others as we seek to become more authentic, both internally and externally.  I assume there are others on this journey.  If you are so inclined, I would love to hear from you - whether it is in the comment section below, or to my email jrmccool@earthlink.net. 

It's About More Than The Flowers

...a little bit of heaven.  

FINDING JOY IN THE TRANSITION PLACES OF LIFE

I have talked a lot in this blog about my work at Collier's Nursery.  This is actually my second time to work there.  The first was in the Spring of 2007 when I needed to heal.

I was prompted to go because of the wise recommendation of our oldest daughter, Katie.  Katie lives in California, but was home for a visit in March that year.  She came home to two parents in the midst of professional losses.

For Jim, the loss had come five days before Christmas in 2006. One phone call, and Jim's job of 22 years disappeared in two minutes.  Shocking, to say the least.  We never saw it coming. 

  

Six weeks later, in February, I had a pivotal conversation with my editor at InterVarsity Press.   I had a book contract with them, but we had come to an impasse on the content.  The publisher's readers wanted radical changes in the content, moving it away from the original proposal.  For a while, I attempted to write to their preferences.  While my editor was happy with the reworked material, it wasn't what I had to say.  A friend of mine nailed the dilemma when she said, "How can the person who teaches us to be authentic, write an inauthentic book?"  My editor and I agreed with that, so the contract was dissolved.  So, within six weeks, we both of us had lost our jobs. Both of us were devastated.

MY FIRST TIME AT COLLIER'S

When Kate came to town, we were both trying to figure out what would come next.  She encouraged me to do something...anything...to get moving again.  The next day, I was driving past Collier's and realized that that I had always wanted to work there, and this was probably the time to go for it.  I pulled into the parking lot, saw the owner, and asked Jimmy if I could work.  Fortunately, he was hiring for the Spring rush, and I got the job.  I couldn't seem to effectively move words on a page, so it was wonderful to be marvelously successful at moving flats at the nursery!  Sunshine, flowers, and physical, rather than emotional and mental, tasks.  This was the perfect healing place for my spirit and soul.

Of course, for some of the customers, it was rather shocking to see me in that setting.  Besides my writing, I had been in private practice as a counselor for a number of years.  On occasion, a former client would come in to buy their Spring flowers and be shocked to have their former therapist loading flowers into their car!  I knew exactly what I was doing, but for some of my former counseling clients, this was a bit disorienting!  It was awkward for them, not me.  Conversations might go something like this. (Me) "So, are you going to need some plastic in your car to put under the plants? " (Them) "Ah, sure.  That would be great...  By the way, our marriage is really doing well now." OR "That would be great.  My son has been clean since you saw him.  He just graduated from college."  Of course, I was happy to see them, and thrilled to know they were doing well, but clearly, our context was radically different!

I was in my fifth month there when a fellow therapist came in to buy some shrubs.  As I was loading her car, she told me of a job opening at a residential center.  That led to my return to my profession in August, but those months at Collier's were wonderful. 

MY SECOND TIME AT COLLIER'S

My return this Spring came as a result of a couple visits to the nursery to buy flowers for my garden.  As I was driving to the nursery, I was thinking "Of all the jobs I have ever had, this is one of the top two."  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was at a season in my life where a few weeks at the nursery might be a great thing to do.  So, once again, I went to the owner and asked to work.  

This time, it was not about healing. It was more of staking a claim as to who I am and what really matters to me.  I am in transition again.  But this time, I am not trying to heal from loss, I am seeking to build on hope.  I am envisioning the next 40 years, and I want to do things I love.  Being at the nursery in the Spring is definitely on the list!