Happy Birthday to Me!

A Day to Celebrate!

I have arrived at the threshold of a new decade of life!  Today is a good day!

The day itself was quite low-key.  We didn't go to church, but went fishing at the state park instead.  The really humorous part is our complete lack of experience with fishing!  We rented a flat-bottom boat, bought some worms, and took to cane fishing poles out into the lake in the middle of the day.  Any true fisherman knows that we had about 0 chance of catching a fish.  And, we didn't catch any fish, but we had a good time.

We came home, cleaned up and had birthday cake with my parents and our son, Trent and his wife and baby.  As soon as they left, we put a pizza in the oven and are just finishing that off.  This was not a healthy food day!  One reason for the low-key day is that we are going to be heading to the beach in a few weeks to celebrate my birthday with all our children and their families.  

FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE 100 DAYS:

As I mentioned in previous blog posts, I am glad I spent 100 days thinking about the future decades.  From this point on, I will be much more aware of what really matters to me in life.  I feel more optimistic than when I started.  I have gained greater self-knowledge as a result of the ups and downs I experienced in the past few months.  I recognize that I am going to be making some changes in the way I spend my time.  There may be some changes in what I do professionally.  And, I think Jim and I will continue to try new things, like fishing, just for the heck of it!  

At this moment, I am wishing I could wax eloquent about powerful philosophical lessons I have learned, or reflect on massive goals I achieved.  This is not the case.  I am at the end of a very nice day.  We were able to be out on the water, paddling a boat and laughing at our pitiful attempts to fish.  We watched a huge hawk ride the thermals above our heads, a crane glide over the water, and we stared back at the turtle heads watching us from a safe distance.  We played, and we had a good time.  

And we have eaten - soggy sandwiches, chips and lukewarm water while we fished.  Birthday cake, ice cream and pizza finished out our birthday menu.  We have had way too much sugar and fat, and we are super tired from the carbs and the hours on the open water.  Tomorrow, we will go back to our morning walks and healthy eating.  But, today was my birthday, and we did what you do on birthdays - celebrate with happy foods!

About two weeks ago, Jim and I talked a lot about what we are supposed to do with the days we have on earth.  He was reading in Ecclesiastes and shared these verses: Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him - for this is his lot.  Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work - this is a gift of God.  Eccl. 5:18-19

I have to believe that this is great wisdom.  It is a far cry from cynicism, and it is hardly Pollyanna, but it is solid, practical wisdom for life.  I pray that in the days that I still have, whether it is one hour or 50 years, I can live them with a sense of wonder, contentment and joy. 

The 100 days are over, but the new decade has just begun!

Four Hours to Go!

I wanted to cover a few more BIG ROCKS before I reach my goal line (which is really a starting line!)

In the last post, I covered  HEALTH, PURPOSE and BEAUTY.  HEALTH took a detour, but is back on track and moving forward.  PURPOSE is a bit more defined, and I have sought out resources to help me improve it's definition.  BEAUTY is a paintbrush in hand!

I mentioned in the last post a bit about SPIRITUALITY.  I have struggled in this area for a while.  My expectations for how God is supposed to behave toward me have not been fulfilled.  (And, yes, you should be questioning my perspective, because therein lies the problem.)  We were sitting in church just last week. The service hadn't started yet and I was just quietly looking around and thinking about  - stuff.  I turned to Jim and said, "I am really tired of being a cynic.  There's really no hope for a cynic because no matter what you say to them that is positive, they always rebut it with "Yea, but..."  I think it would be a whole lot more healthy to live like a Pollyanna.  It would certainly be better for your health to have a positive outlook on life."  I think I came home from church that day and painted the Prayer picture. 

So, internally, I have been thinking deep thoughts about this whole cynic issue.  I became a cynic almost a decade ago.  There were a couple of prayers that weren't answered they way I thought they should and I got mad.  I have been like an old wet hen ever since.  But, there are some breaks in the tough veneer of my "mad".

I wrote several weeks ago about the powerful impact that Laura Black's life had had on me.  I was unable to attend her funeral service, but I finally watched it online .  Powerful.  In particular, I remembered a statement by Candy Prater, one of Laura's friends.  She was talking about the struggle to understand the death of a young mom and a Good God.  She said "God is the ultimate first cause of all things."  You can listen to her eulogy for yourself, but what I heard was "God knows.  He not only knows, he purposed it.  The whole story is not written yet."   I realized I have been held captive for years in my demand that God makes things work out well NOW!  It is like wanting to read a novel that never has any unresolved issues.  Like being halfway through a book and, as the author is developing the plot and bringing the story to a place of tension where the characters have to make important choices, the reader says "This is a bad book because I don't know how it ends."  In truth, there has never been a great story without a demand on the characters to make hard choices.  What I am asking of the greatest story ever written, is that God remove all uncertainties, tensions and difficulties and keep me from any suffering or pain.  I basically want to short-circuit my own story.

While I am still a long way from Pollyanna, new thoughts are challenging old perspectives.  I really don't want to be a captive of cynicism for the rest of my life.  There is a new painting of prayer being birthed.  It isn't clearly evident yet, but it is in development.

FINANCES
One thing the Outplacement Consultant did say to me as we went over the test results was "I would never hire you to be my CPA."  I am not really excited about budgets, accounting and ledgers.  It is low on my list of fun things to do.  So, my resistance to working with all those business receipts means that I still don't have my books all in order.  It frustrates me, but not enough to tackle it head on.  There is always April 14, 2013 that will really turn the thumb screws on my behavior. 

I did get a CPA to help me set up Quickbooks, and I have organized my receipts, but I am a long way from total organization in this area.

FAMILY
In the last 100 days, I made three major trips - one to Vermont and two to California.  One of those trips was an emergency flight to LA to help Dave after his hand was operated on.  It was wonderful to be able to fly across the country and be a mom when I was needed.  All is well with the hand now.

Our family is looking forward to an August beach trip to celebrate my birthday.  Everyone is flying in from all over the world to spend a week at the beach! I am excited beyond words! 

FRIENDS
I have reconnected with a number of friends and made a few new ones over the last few months.  This is still an area of needed growth for me.  Introverts are not driven to connect all the time.  However, my friends do matter, and finding ways to spend more time with them continues to be important to me.

THE HOUSE
I don't know about the house.  Some days, I want to just stay here.  Others, I am chomping at the bit to get to a new place.  This has gone on the back burner. 
_______________________

That basically sums up the BIG ROCKS that I hoped to get placed in the context of my life on this earth.   That isn't a final summary, however.  I think that will come tomorrow - on the actual day of my birthday. I am almost there - three hours to go.  And then....

One Day to Go!

Ninety-nine days down and one to go.  Tomorrow, I turn 60.

These past 100 days have not been what I thought they would be.  I had this vision of strategically figuring out what my goals would be.  Then, I was going to address each one.  I anticipated I would gain clarity of purpose, add new skills to my life and very consistently track my progress.

It didn't work out quite the way I planned, but it has certainly been a learning experience. 

BEAUTY
First of all, I am glad I had the original plan to do some personal assessment.  Probably the most valuable thing to come out of it all was to recognize what really matters to me - to name the BIG ROCKS.  Once I wrote down each one, and why it was important, I found myself consistently evaluating the choices I was making in terms of those BIG ROCKS.  For example, I acknowledged that Beauty mattered to me.  My decision to spend several weeks working at the flower nursery can be directly tied back to my awareness of my values.  Additionally, I have started taking art lessons - something I have wanted to do for a long time, but never got around to doing it.  Another thing I did was to buy lots of materials for wrapping presents.  I found a great discount place and purchased beautiful tissue papers, wrapping papers and ribbons.  Now, I am prepared to create a beautiful gift instead of scrounging for old tissue paper and wrinkled ribbons.  I don't think I would have thought to make preparations for beauty if I hadn't actually named it as an important value in my life.

HEALTH
Health was BIG ROCK #1.  I was actually practicing a lot of good health practices when I started this one hundred days.  The surprise came on May 5th, when I ended up in a hospital bed with my heart being monitored.  That one event lead to an entire month of very disorienting medical questions.  I didn't write about it at the time, but I was referred to a Nephrologist to assess whether I had kidney damage.  For a month, I waited to get in to see the specialist - all the while wondering if I would have to make drastic changes in my life because of a chronic condition.  This was very demoralizing for me.  I had wanted to put my radiation recovery behind me and get back to being strong - then, this crazy event has me seeing a kidney specialist!  The scepter of another major medical problem was a discouragement.  I stopped writing on the blog about then, because I was so discouraged. 

The good news is, I walked into the Nephrologist's office and he said "Why are you here?  Your labs are great.  I haven't seen labs this good in I don't know how long.  Your kidneys can handle anything you throw at them."  All of this raised the question as to why I was referred in the first place.  I will probably be looking for a new GP.

Additionally, Anne and I have continued to work out weekly, and we are stronger than ever.  Jim and I are signed up to run our first 5K in September - the COLOR RUN!  We have been walking for 45 minutes every day at 5:45, and it has been such a blessing.

PURPOSE
In terms of PURPOSE, that has been a greater challenge.  I had anticipated greater difficulty in getting clarity in this area.  That's exactly what happened.  Because I was more aware of it, I think it made the days of doing nothing much more painful.  I felt like I was wasting one day after another.  While I was totally sold on the Nuskin products, I did not have a driving desire to build a massive business.  My heart just wasn't in it, but I needed to do something.  The pain of my days in the desert of inactivity made me very hesitant to "put it out there" in a blog.  I felt too confused by it all, and I was being really hard on myself. 

Fortunately, I called the right person to get some perspective.  My good friend, Tammy, and I got together for coffee and she told me a couple of stories that made a difference.  One of the key phrases I came away with was "An artist has to paint.  God has ceased speaking to you in words and will speak to you through the art."  I was open to hearing that.  As a result, I had a very vivid picture come to mind of how I was feeling about my prayers at the time.  I was able to paint it:

 

 PRAYER

I felt like my prayers were like single shots toward the heavens.  I wasn't sure they were getting through.  If felt like there was a lot of turmoil and resistance they had to pass through to make it all the way to the Heavenlies.  I wasn't thrilled with what this said about my spiritual life, but seeing it on a canvas made me think more deeply about where I was spiritually.  More on this later.

The other key piece Tammy shared with me was about an outplacement consultant who did testing for people to help them find the right job fit.  I jumped on that!  I called him that day, got the testing done quickly and got my report back yesterday.  It was eye-opening, to say the least.  I am still processing a lot of what came out on those tests, but I am so glad I spent the time and money to get some key bearings on my likes, dislikes, preferences and gifting.  Maybe I will write more on that later, too.  Suffice it to say, the BIG ROCK of Purpose is slightly more defined, but not as well as I had hoped.

So, I guess this post addresses three of the BIG ROCKS - Beauty, Health and Purpose.   

Even though I took quite a break from blogging over the last six weeks, I plan to finish this!  Another post is forthcoming.  I am close to the end of the 100 days, but I am not there yet!

Awakening the Artist

Purple Road

During the month of June, I did pursue one of my goals - to begin to paint!  One of my good friends, Gina Hurry, had let me hang out in her studio back in May.  I loved watching her work, and she know of my desire to start painting.  On her recommendation, I signed up for a month-long class with David Nichols.  

The first class was on the Tuesday after I flew back into town after taking care of my son in California.  I was so ill-prepared!  When I arrived at the studio, I had a bunch of paint, a couple of brushes and that was it - no canvas, no palette, no paper towels!  Of course, all 12 of the other students there had all their stuff organized, and set up when I cruised in right on time.  Fortunately, one of my friends had also signed up for the class and graciously loaned me a canvas and some palette paper.  

David got us right in to painting.  He showed us how to prep the canvas.  He talked about shape and value and demonstrated all this with his own painting.  I watched and tried to copy.  He gave us all a picture to use as a guide for our work.  I felt rather awkward, but I had determined that I was there to have a good time, not to perform for anyone, so I jumped in.  It was fun!  

After the first class, I had the painting started, but not finished.  I did end up working on it the night before our next class while we were having a thunderstorm.  Even when the power got knocked out, I just lit a few candles and kept working.  It was kind of romantic to be painting by candlelight!

The next day, David walked around and looked at all our work.  He had encouraging words for me, but wasn't sure about the purple road.  "Actually, that is my favorite part." I told him.  David totally encouraged all of us to just paint and not judge our work.  What a wonderful way to start a new endeavor!

The third week of class, I was again coming in from a trip out to LA and I was in the same scattered state.  Everyone else had a picture they were going to paint.  I felt like I must have missed the memo - I was just glad I made it to class!  

One of David's artist friends made a quick announcement in class and said that they needed help with a charity fund-raiser.  He asked us to paint something - anything - on these small 6x8 cards.  They were going to auction all of them off for $50 each and raise money.  Since I didn't have a photo with me, I decided to work on a few small cards for the auction.  At least I could try out some of my ideas.  Here are the results:

Both paintings were a lot of fun to do, and I was encouraged that I was taking on this new hobby.  It feels good to be painting.  In addition, I have made some great new friends.  This is always the added payoff to joining a new group.

Right now, I have another still life I am working on for this month's class.  If it turns out well, I may just share it. Regardless, I am glad I started painting.  It feels like a real fit!

Tribute to a Saint

Three days ago, a young woman named Laura Gautney Black died of metastatic breast cancer.  She left a loving husband and three precious children under nine.  For a time, we attended the same church, but I am not sure that I ever actually met her.  However, this young woman has profoundly impacted my perspective on life over the last few months.

About three months ago, one of my friends on Facebook requested prayer for Laura.  It had something to do with radiation treatments and breast cancer.  Since I am a breast cancer survivor, I thought I would write her a brief note of encouragement, and offer to support her journey in any way I could.  I thought this was her first time to deal with cancer.  She sent me a lovely response and told me she had been fighting this breast cancer for five years!  Clearly, she was the veteran when it came to this battlefront.

We communicated a few times and I began to follow her journey on her Caring Bridge site.  The previous link takes you to one of about 10 letters that Laura recently wrote to her children about various topics.  This one is entitled "Life".  Be sure to take the time to read the others sometime soon.  Right now, I will share with you the impact this gifted woman  has had on me.

As I began to follow Laura's Facebook page and CB posts, I was struck by her honesty and her faith.  There was no "God Talk" here. Instead, she was brutally honest about how hard this was.  At the same time, she also manifested a profound trust in God to take care of her and her family.  When I read her post about "Me and You" - a letter to her children about how she loved them, I wept because she beautifully expressed what all mothers feel. It was so intimate.  It was like listening to her whisper all these sweet things to each one as she tucked them in bed for the night.

Laura's transparency blew me away.  Even though I do believe in living transparently, I do not readily share my most intimate thoughts on Facebook.  Laura, on the other hand, embraced and welcomed all who would come. She accepted hundreds of "friends" whom she had never met. She boldly asked for prayer for healing.  She openly shared about her radiation, chemo and doctor's visits.  Her openness drew me and many others into her journey.  By allowing us to read what she was going through, we were all drawn in as friends, not voyeurs.  I think that the recent posts on her Facebook page clearly reveal the profound impact of her willingness to be open and honest with us all.

Laura remained positive, hopeful and honest to the last.  She fought as hard as anyone could possibly fight.  And, when she had given everything she had to give, she rested and fell back into the arms of Jesus.  Her last words to those who had followed her journey were "It is time for me to finish this cancer race. There will be no more chemo. Hospice has been called in. Please continue to pray for my family and friends. Especially my sweet children. Thank you."  She died the next evening.

We are told in Scripture that we will be greeted by our Savior with open arms and his smile.  When Laura arrived, I know Jesus greeted her with a huge smile, a wonderful hug and his words "Well done, Laura.  Well done."  Max Lucado shares a wonderful story in his book, The Applause of Heaven, about the joyous celebration that occurs when the saints arrive in that celestial city.  I know there was a standing ovation when Laura took her first full glorious breath in her new home. 

Laura truly lived her life to the fullest.  While her family is faced with the terrific loss of her presence, they are truly blessed people to have had a woman like Laura love them so well. And as for me, I am profoundly grateful I was able to walk alongside her through these last few months - even if it was only at the very edge of the crowd of those who loved her. 

In this blog, I have been contemplating how I want to live out the rest of my days. I have just learned from this young woman what it means to end well.  My prayer is that, by God's grace, I will I be able to follow in her footsteps.

Well done, Laura.  Well done.

Love Does

Two nights ago, we got a call from our son, Dave, in Los Angeles.  He had some surgery on his hand several weeks back and it hadn't been healing right.  Then, it got infected.  Dave was calling to let us know he would have to have surgery to clean out the wound the following morning - yesterday.  He had asked the doctor "Will I get full use of my hand back?"  "That's what we are shooting for" was the doctor's response.  He said he would be fine, but at 1AM, I was looking on the Southwest site for tickets. 
Yesterday morning, I talked with our daughter, Katie, who also lives in LA and she agreed - "Come!"
By 7AM, I had booked my 10AM flight and 90 minutes later, we were on the way to the airport. 

I had slipped three books into my bag for the trip - my journal, Jesus Calling and Love Does by Bob Goff. Perfect choices all.  Love Does is about living a whimsically loving life.  It is about assuming the answer is "Yes" and the doors are wide open to fully engage in life.  As I flew above the clouds on my way to be with and help my two children, I was challenged to keep working on decorating that large open room I feel I have been given.  That room is the next 40 years of my life.

In all honesty, I have felt like I had hit that Wall of Resistance that Henry Cloud talks about and had not surmounted it.  Instead, over the last few weeks, I felt that all my old patterns were entrenched for the long haul.  It was discouraging.  I tried to eat right and exercise more and I end up in the ER and headed to further doctor appointments.  I want to figure out my work and finances, and I feel stagnated and still unclear.  I want to be intentional with all my days and I still find myself being distracted more than I would like.  About the only thing moving forward is that my hair is getting more gray (and I like it!)

But, reading Bob's book about spontaneous acts of love and following the promptings of your heart encouraged me.  I was living out exactly what he was talking about.  My children needed me, I threw a bunch of clothes in a suitcase and flew across the country.  If I forgot something, we could figure that out later. 

When Katie picked me up at LAX, it was such a joy to see her.  She said she felt like a huge mountain had been lifted off her shoulders.  She wanted to totally be there for her brother, but she had two small children, a household to run and a dinner party for 12 couples tonight (I didn't know about that until late last night as we talked.)  She took me back to her house, I dropped off my bag, she gave me a Google map and the keys to her car and I headed toward the 405, the busiest interstate in the country, to figure out how to get to the hospital.  I made it, navigated the hospital complex (only had to ask two people for directions through the halls) and walked into Dave's room.  He was lying on his bed with the sunlight of the setting sun falling across his bed.  He was holding his bandaged right arm straight up so that it wouldn't build up fluid.  He looked tired, but relieved when he was me.  "Thank you so much for coming" he said as he hugged my neck.  Of course, I felt the same way.  There was no where else I would rather be than there with my two children when they needed me.  I handed him the Vitamin Water and chips that he had asked me to bring and we sat together as the light faded and talked about how scary this had been, and still was. 

Visiting hours ended at 8PM, but since I had flown across the country and only got there at 7, the nurses let me stay a bit longer.  With a few more kisses and hugs, I left Dave to the good care of the nursing staff and navigated my way back through the hospital, on to the LA highways and made it home to my daughter's. 

Here's one of my greatest joys - Katie came into my bedroom, where I was reading and sat at the foot of my bed and we talked for two hours.  When Katie was in high school this was our usual place to talk and visit.  What a joy to have this opportunity again. 

Well, I hear my grandchildren up, so I am going to close this out.  I leave you with the words from the bumper sticker on the back of Katie's care - Live Well, Laugh Often and Love Much.  Hope your day is a great as mine is going to be.

Long-Distance Mothering

When each of my children was born, there was a very real, but invisible thread that tied my heart to my children.  Not just with love, but with a sense of proximity. 

When children are small, a mother is ALWAYS aware of where the child is.  Just like we know where our feet or our hands are at any given moment, we have that same internal radar that maintains a thread of connection to where they are at all times.  One is napping, one is playing in the yard, another is over at a friend's house.  They may be out of sight, but a mom is still connected to them.

All our children are grown now.  They live in various places around the world.  One in Germany, one in Vermont, two in California and one here in Birmingham.  Last week, we were able to go up to Vermont and see our son, Ryan and his wife for the first time since they have been living there.  They showed us all around their town, showed us the places where they worked and the favorite restaurants they visit.  Now, when we think of Ryan and Celeste, we have a better sense of where they are at any given time.  We are more connected.

Also this week, our daughter Megan, who lives in Germany, flew to California to babysit for her niece and nephew while her sister, Katie, and her husband went on an anniversary trip.  Megan, who usually lives across "the Pond" was on the same continent with us.  Even though she was on the California coast, all this week, there was a sense in me that she was here, that she was home.  It was good.

And today, our youngest son, Dave, who also lives in California, had to go to the ER because of an infection in his hand.  He had had some relatively minor surgery a few weeks back that had not healed as it should, so he was in great pain, had a lot of swelling and had to drive himself to the ER. 

I had just gotten to Colliers to work for the day when my husband let me know Dave was headed to the hospital.  That thread of connection was very obvious all day long.  I was texting Jim to find out if he had heard any news.  I was encouraged when I heard that Katie and Meg had gone to the hospital to pick him up after he had had to have a second surgery today.  I was so grateful that the three of them were together when Dave, who is single, was needing extra help and care.  Honestly, if Katie did not live out there near Dave, I would have been on a plane to go help him.  I really wanted a much shorter cord to the situation.

On top of that, Megan is headed back to Germany right now.  In fact, she is sitting at LAX as I write, waiting to board the plane that will take her back.  As crazy as it sounds, I feel the cord that connects me to Meg being stretched once again.  I feel the tension of my mother cord being pulled hard. 

They may all be grown and gone and building their own lives, but the heart-proximity cord that bonded me to them at the very moment that that umbilical cord was cut, is just as real and just as present as it was in that delivery room; as it was when they played at a friend's house; as it was when they started driving; as it was when they left for college or moved to their first new home of their own.

I have three grandchildren whom I love dearly, but my attachment to them will probably never be as intrinsic and powerful as the connection between me and my own babies. 

Tonight, I feel stretched a little tighter.  A part of me is at Katie's house, thinking of her caring for her own two children, her husband, and her brother, who will be with her for a few days.  A part of me is at a gate at LAX, aware that my daughter is flying further away again.  A part of me is thinking of my Vermont son who will be celebrating his birthday this week doing complex surgical procedures on his patients.  And a part of me is here in Birmingham, thinking of my son, his wife and their two month old, as he is starting his own business in challenging financial times.

It really doesn't matter what I do with the next forty years when I compare it to the person I have already grown to be because of these five children.  I have been stretched farther than I ever thought possible; and, no matter how far they go, my heart connection to them will never be severed.  And, I am quite confident, that I will continue to be stretched to new limits in the future, because that precious cord of love knows no bounds.