Four Hours to Go!

I wanted to cover a few more BIG ROCKS before I reach my goal line (which is really a starting line!)

In the last post, I covered  HEALTH, PURPOSE and BEAUTY.  HEALTH took a detour, but is back on track and moving forward.  PURPOSE is a bit more defined, and I have sought out resources to help me improve it's definition.  BEAUTY is a paintbrush in hand!

I mentioned in the last post a bit about SPIRITUALITY.  I have struggled in this area for a while.  My expectations for how God is supposed to behave toward me have not been fulfilled.  (And, yes, you should be questioning my perspective, because therein lies the problem.)  We were sitting in church just last week. The service hadn't started yet and I was just quietly looking around and thinking about  - stuff.  I turned to Jim and said, "I am really tired of being a cynic.  There's really no hope for a cynic because no matter what you say to them that is positive, they always rebut it with "Yea, but..."  I think it would be a whole lot more healthy to live like a Pollyanna.  It would certainly be better for your health to have a positive outlook on life."  I think I came home from church that day and painted the Prayer picture. 

So, internally, I have been thinking deep thoughts about this whole cynic issue.  I became a cynic almost a decade ago.  There were a couple of prayers that weren't answered they way I thought they should and I got mad.  I have been like an old wet hen ever since.  But, there are some breaks in the tough veneer of my "mad".

I wrote several weeks ago about the powerful impact that Laura Black's life had had on me.  I was unable to attend her funeral service, but I finally watched it online .  Powerful.  In particular, I remembered a statement by Candy Prater, one of Laura's friends.  She was talking about the struggle to understand the death of a young mom and a Good God.  She said "God is the ultimate first cause of all things."  You can listen to her eulogy for yourself, but what I heard was "God knows.  He not only knows, he purposed it.  The whole story is not written yet."   I realized I have been held captive for years in my demand that God makes things work out well NOW!  It is like wanting to read a novel that never has any unresolved issues.  Like being halfway through a book and, as the author is developing the plot and bringing the story to a place of tension where the characters have to make important choices, the reader says "This is a bad book because I don't know how it ends."  In truth, there has never been a great story without a demand on the characters to make hard choices.  What I am asking of the greatest story ever written, is that God remove all uncertainties, tensions and difficulties and keep me from any suffering or pain.  I basically want to short-circuit my own story.

While I am still a long way from Pollyanna, new thoughts are challenging old perspectives.  I really don't want to be a captive of cynicism for the rest of my life.  There is a new painting of prayer being birthed.  It isn't clearly evident yet, but it is in development.

FINANCES
One thing the Outplacement Consultant did say to me as we went over the test results was "I would never hire you to be my CPA."  I am not really excited about budgets, accounting and ledgers.  It is low on my list of fun things to do.  So, my resistance to working with all those business receipts means that I still don't have my books all in order.  It frustrates me, but not enough to tackle it head on.  There is always April 14, 2013 that will really turn the thumb screws on my behavior. 

I did get a CPA to help me set up Quickbooks, and I have organized my receipts, but I am a long way from total organization in this area.

FAMILY
In the last 100 days, I made three major trips - one to Vermont and two to California.  One of those trips was an emergency flight to LA to help Dave after his hand was operated on.  It was wonderful to be able to fly across the country and be a mom when I was needed.  All is well with the hand now.

Our family is looking forward to an August beach trip to celebrate my birthday.  Everyone is flying in from all over the world to spend a week at the beach! I am excited beyond words! 

FRIENDS
I have reconnected with a number of friends and made a few new ones over the last few months.  This is still an area of needed growth for me.  Introverts are not driven to connect all the time.  However, my friends do matter, and finding ways to spend more time with them continues to be important to me.

THE HOUSE
I don't know about the house.  Some days, I want to just stay here.  Others, I am chomping at the bit to get to a new place.  This has gone on the back burner. 
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That basically sums up the BIG ROCKS that I hoped to get placed in the context of my life on this earth.   That isn't a final summary, however.  I think that will come tomorrow - on the actual day of my birthday. I am almost there - three hours to go.  And then....